Green Velvet Cupcakes

It's St. Patrick's Day.  I don't care.  I might have cared more if the day fell on a Friday or Saturday, but since I have to work tomorrow, and since I have no interest in running into my students downtown while drunk off my ass, I've opted instead to sleep, shop, and bake.

In fact, it was last year's St. Patrick's Day when I first attempted to make a cake from scratch.  The cake wasn't so good, too vanilla-y, but it was enough to get me interested in baking from scratch, a hobby that's been great fun, but that's kept me hugely fat.  Oh well.  What can you do?

For today's baking adventure, I decided to make green velvet cupcakes, with some kind of cooked delicious icing. 

This is actually my first attempt at red velvet (green for today) cupcakes, for several reasons.

1. I'm not a huge chocolate eater.
2. I'm intimidated by chocolate desserts.
3. When I was a teenager one of my aunts became obsessed with red velvet cake for a few months, and told me that she'd eaten so much red velvet cake that she pooped red.  I thought that was gross, even though I'd experienced a similar fate when I ate an entire package of tongue splashers bubble gum.

So I'd left it alone, even though it seems to be a favorite of everyone on earth.  But Bakerella's little green velvet cakes were pretty, and I had all of the ingredients on hand, so I went for it.

Mine were not as pretty, but they tasted pretty good, which was a relief to me because the recipe calls for a combination of oil and vinegar instead of butter, and I find any baking recipe that neglects to use butter, well, suspect. 

If this combination of liquid ingredients doesn't make you salivate, I don't know what will.

I also found some cute cupcake liners that seemed appropriate for the occasion while sheet shopping today at HomeGoods. 

My cupcakes were not nearly as pretty as Bakerella's (that bitch!), but at least they tasted good.

The icing was really good, but I did something wrong with it.  I messed it up by either using buttermilk instead of milk (need to get through my thick head that they are not interchangeable) or by mixing it too much in the mixer.  Tasted great, looked weird.  Not poisonous, I swear.

Then I talked to both Grandmas on the phone, and took a nap on the couch, which seems to be one of my body's only defense mechanisms against the uterine rebellion that's currently taking place.  Stupid womanhood, ruining my life.

Oh, and I went onto the Book of Faces and unfriended almost every single person I'm related to, with a few exceptions.  It seems that the mood swings brought on by the uterine rebellion gave me just enough nerve to do it.  At least there's a silver lining, right?

No. No. No.

Came across this picture this evening, after I became a fan of "Not Being Pregnant" on the Book of Faces. 

Needless to say, I'll be getting my tubes tied tomorrow afternoon. 

My Blank Monday Thoughts

• Thomas Jefferson removed from a school's curriculum?  Are you f'ing kidding me?  F'ing Texas.
• Matt and I spent $195 at Publix today.  But we won't go grocery shopping again for three weeks, so that's good.  And we're ready for Y2K.
• Re-caulked the bathroom over the weekend.  It's amazing the things you'll do to avoid grading poetry portfolios.  It's also amazing that a person can have such a flat learning curve as to assign poetry portfolios two years in a row.
• Cassie came over for dinner tonight.  I think she should move into the house next door.  It's for rent, people.  And it's cheap at $825/month.  Don't you want to move in and be our neighbors?
• This week is going to be good.  It's just got to be.
• Mitch is the greatest dog on the planet.  But you already knew that.
• I love Sharpie markers.  I love the smell, love the colors, love the permanence.  Had to look up the correct spelling of permanence, and I'm a pretty good speller.  I did win the eighth grade spelling bee by correctly spelling the word nougat.  Oh yeah, I'm also fat.
• It's = "it is."  Its = belonging to it. It's sunny outside.  The dog wagged its tail.  Is it so hard?
• Professional maternity pictures are a creepfest.
• Next three weeks are going to be awesomeness wrapped in awesome.  Dogs and friends and birthdays and days off and food and wine and more friends and food and dogs and wine.  You can be jealous.  It's okay.
• Matt and I both have newly-cut hair.  I love the convenience.  Less time spent blow drying and hair that's not so heavy.
• Mitch just farted in my face.  That's the last time I give him a delicious hamburger.  I swear that dog positions his body so that the farts float up into my face.
• An exchange:

Matt:  He's the one who was interviewed on 60 Minutes last night, the guy who wrote The Blind Side.
Me: Oh.
[five minutes later]
Me: Hey!  Wasn't he on 60 Minutes last night?
Matt: You really don't listen to me at all, do you?

Guess I should get off here now so that I can pay more attention to the insightful things that Matt says.  Happy Tuesday to you.  Happy Ides of March, hope nobody killed you.  Also, happy St. Patrick's Day Eve [tomorrow].

Flashdance Headbands: Dislike.

New trend that I am hatin' on: Flashdance headbands. I keep seeing girls wearing these headbands, but usually they're some sort of metallic braid-type thing.  What the hell?

Is this everywhere, or just at my school?  I mean, it'd be much cooler if the girls who wear the headbands would also adopt the other awesome fashion trends from the film, and maybe some of the dance moves, too.



Percent chance that Matt and I are both doing that crazy foot thing right now: 100.

Derek Paravicini

If you can carve fourteen minutes out of your day, check out this 60 Minutes story about Derek Paravicini, blind piano playing savant.

And if you want to know more about him, or want to listen to his music, here are a couple of links to get you through your Monday.

Don't Blame the Teachers

You've gotta give me clay, not rocks. I'm not a magician.

Father of the Decade[s]

Storytime!

So, my Grandpa Bill, my mom's dad, is a loser. He was brilliant when he was younger, but too arrogant to do anything with his brains (brains that have now, it seems, completely deteriorated), he was lazy, he was a philanderer, and he was and remains a terrible father. A deadbeat. Grandpa Bill, the deadbeat.

I'm not really a member of the Grandpa Bill Fan Club.

And I would put a picture of him up here, but I haven't seen him since digital cameras were invented, and I don't have a scanner.

The other day, while on Facebook (which is where I find out all information about my family), I learned something new about Grandpa Bill.

While living in Delaware and working at the local Wal-Mart, Grandpa Bill met the newest "love of his life," a woman who is 24 years old. Grandpa Bill will be turning 69 next month. And let's be clear: Grandpa's not got a Paul Newman quality. He's not one of those men who age gracefully or who were ever that handsome to begin with. And he's not charismatic or charming. But apparently he's charming enough to earn the love of his 24-year old lady friend, a woman whose hideaousness I can only imagine.

And as if knowledge of this relationship wasn't disturbing enough, I learned (on Facebook, as did the rest of my family), that Grandpa Bill recently became a daddy again, to Verity Jade, born February 13.

Grandpa now has children who are 47, 45, 42, 34, 33, 26, and one month old. Matt says he's trying to have a child of every generation. I want to puke all over myself. Jordan says it says something about the genes, and he's going to start wearing tighty whities and drinking Mountain Dew.

But, anyway, happy belated birthday to my new aunt, Verity. Poor kid.

Buffalo Chicken Pizza

Wow, what a shitty shitty shit week it's been. Matt, Mitch and I are all fine, albeit stressed. It's just that the world all around us is falling apart. And I'd go into more detail, but it involves the private lives of others, so I'll respect that for now.

One of the few bright spots in our week was Monday's meal, Buffalo Chicken Pizza. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. I love all things Buffalo chicken, and Matt fancies himself a wing snob because much of his family comes from Buffalo, and he believes that the only true wings come from the Anchor Bar. Snob. Matt's a snob.

And Buffalo wings played a role in my formative years as well. I spent three years during college slinging wings and beer at boys. I wouldn't eat wings at all when I began my stint at Buffalo Wild Wings (job I hated at the time, but now am super nostalgic about, probably because I formed so many lasting friendships during that time and because now I appreciate it--I made as much money there as I make teaching). By the end, I could even eat a wing without getting sauce all over my face, even though it's not nearly as fun.

To be as authentic as possible (which still isn't very authentic), we use Frank's wing sauce on everything we do Buffalo-style, since that's apparently what the Anchor Bar uses. But let it be known: if I lived closer to a BW3, I'd be slathering this stuff with Spicy Garlic sauce all day and all night.


Boneless skinless chicken breasts, pounded with Saran wrap over them (thanks for the tip, Danielle!) to avoid eye infection, and marinated in Frank's.

Here's the dough after it has risen (dough = Christ ?). (Here's the dough-making process.) Last time I used this amount of dough for one pizza. This time it's making two thin-crust pizzas, which is even better.

And around this time I fumbled about, wishing I'd invited Cassie over for dinner, a.k.a., "invited Cassie over to show me how to do this again."

I ended up cooking up the chicken in a cast iron skillet, but would have preferred to grill it. Matt had been called away for an emergency (remember, shitty week?), and I'm not allowed to light the grill by myself. Something about fires and eyebrows. Next time, though, Matt will grill the chicken. He is the master of the grill.

Instead of a tomato-based sauce, I brushed the dough with Frank's. I considered putting ranch or bleu cheese as the base, but was trying to be a little bit more healthy. It wasn't long, though, before that effort went out the window.

Onions.

And sharp white cheddar cheese.

And then I am reminded again that I need to get smoke detectors for the house.

Celery.

Diced up chicken.

And then more cheese (no more healthy pizza). This time it was a mozzarella/parm blend.

Bake for something like 20 minutes. I lost count. Bake at 350 until it's the amount of brown you want. Drizzle with ranch, or bleu cheese, or whatever you want. You could also sprinkle on some crumbled bleu cheese. Mmmmmm.

Dough:
3 3/4 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1 packet yeast
1 1/3 cups warm water
3 tablespoons olive oil

Other ingredients you'll need:
Wing sauce
Celery
Onion
Cheese
Chicken
Ranch

Pretty basic, pretty flexible, somewhat healthy, really delicious. What are you having for dinner tonight?

I Heart Grandma and Grandpa.

It’s been a while since you’ve heard anything from Grandma Carol and Grandpa B., so I thought I’d fill you in with snippets from Grandma’s emails. It’s funny; as I grow older I think that she’s the one I have most in common with, the one I’ll likely resemble more and more.

Loved the video for Cupcake Wars..........I will watch for it on Food Network. Also, Andy Rooney is one of my favorites................

Beautiful day here today.........about 60 degrees and sunny..........I am ready for Spring. Going to Las Vegas, next Tues for a week of basketball, bingo and slots! Wahooo!

I made some killer green chile chicken enchiladas yesterday ..........along with a tamale pie.........both turned out very well. Grandpa does not eat Mexican...

…….Then went to the mall and did a little shopping...........stuff for my trip. Always think I need something new when I take a trip and also wanted a gift for my friend. I really hate the mall, but once or twice a year is tolerable.

I will be sending you a small package in the next day or two via UPS.........I will let you know what the expected arrival date is so that you can be watching for it.
More Later, Love, Grandma Carol

I am off and running........pharmacy, Wal-Mart etc to get things for my trip. I leave early Tues. morning.

Paper says Lobo fans are going to take over Las Vegas! They expect 4 to 5,000 from Albuq. Hope they don't get too rowdy and cause some kind of incident! I had a dream last nite that I was playing some king of fortune teller slot machine and won $600,000.00................wouldn't that be something! Maybe it is a good omen..HA
Grandpa is going sailing.........his Sat afternoon pastime.

Also, I forgot to tell you........Grandpa mailed your surprise package on Thurs, but by regular mail not UPS as I would have done..........not a big deal...........just be aware it may be there the end of next week...........
The PO is one of my pet peeves..........not dependable, keep raising rates and less service. Now they want to quit delivering on Sat! What a bunch of crap...........Later, Grandma Carol

I talked to them on the phone Saturday, and Grandpa was telling me all about his day racing his remote-control sailboats with his remote-control sailboat racing club. (Seriously, I want to retire, like. . .now.) He said he’d had a great day sailing, and it was even more exciting because he came in third place. Of course, he said, only three people were racing.

Then he was telling me about how the club has fewer members now than it did a few years back. He thought that the members had tired of sailboat racing; Grandma says they’ve just all died.

Grandma--hope you're having fun in Vegas. Go Lobos! Also, would you please win that $600,000 and share some with me?

JJ Has No Fingernails Because Of. . .

Yep. Inbreeding. Disgusting, more-gross-than-I-imagined inbreeding. The good news is, I was right. That bad news is I'll be haunted by the events of Big Love's season finale for months and months.

Were you able to stomach the finale? What do you think about the turns the season has taken? (I'm trying not to spoil too much, for those of you who are behind in your Big Love viewing.)

Trix Cupcakes: a Dream Come True

The other night I was lying in bed, reading my Google Reader on my phone. I came across a Trix cupcake. Then I fell asleep, and had a dream about Trix cupcakes. (I go into REM sleep about 30 seconds after falling asleep.) Not wanting to actually get out of bed, and fearing that I would forget about this new fantasy of mine, I emailed myself, from my phone, "don't forget trix cupcake."

The next morning I was a little confused. (And, in case you're wondering, boxed wine actually had nothing to do with this saga.) But I was also excited about this blast from the past.

I needed to figure out the perfect combination, though, and who better to talk to about it than my brother, a kid I've had physical altercations with over breakfast cereal. (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, to be exact. One day, after realizing that there was only enough CTC for one more bowl, Jordan and I raced each other, fought at my grandma's glass storm door, and fought until my elbow broke through the glass. While I nursed my wound--one I still have a scar from--Jordan ate the last bowl of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Asshole.) When I mentioned the idea of a Trix cupcake, Jordan was interested. We brainstormed, and then agreed that a lemon-flavored cake would be good. And we decided that vanilla icing would work, too.

So I set out to find good recipes. And boy did I!

I give you, the Trix cupcake, a dream come true.

(This baking endeavor also allowed me to use one of my favorite kitchen toys, my lemon juicer, a gift from Matt's mom. Thanks, Sue!)

(For about a third of the cupcakes, I folded Trix into the batter, thinking it could be like some awesome funfetti cake. I thought I'd experiment. But when they baked, the Trix got too chewy. I wouldn't recommed it.)

And while the cupcakes baked, I got started on the icing, trying my best to match the icing on the Old Fashioned cupcakes at Back in the Day Bakery. This recipe was actually pretty close.

And then I went a little bonkers with my neon blue food coloring.

And it was so pretty on the cakes! I was afraid that I'd ruin them with the cereal.

But then, as a result of my ghetto-rigged pastry bag, my kitchen table started to look like a scene from my 10th birthday party. Ahhh, silly string.

And then I took the plunge. Well, the cupcakes did at least. And look at them!

F'ing beautiful.

Lemon Cupcakes (adapted from Martha Stewart's Lemon Cake recipe)

Ingredients
Serves 12
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for pans
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled), plus more for pans
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon lemon zest
2 cups sugar
2 large eggs plus 3 large egg yolks
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 cup low-fat buttermilk

Directions
1.Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour two 8-by-2-inch cake pans, tapping out excess flour. In a medium bowl, whisk flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and lemon zest.
2.In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat butter and 1 1/2 cups sugar until light and fluffy. With mixer on low, beat in eggs and yolks, one at a time. Beat in 2 tablespoons lemon juice. Alternately beat in flour mixture and buttermilk beginning and ending with flour mixture; mix just until combined.
3.Divide batter between pans; smooth tops. Bake until cakes pull away from sides of pans, 32 to 35 minutes. Let cool in pans 10 minutes. Run a knife around edges of pans and invert cakes onto a wire rack.


Sassy Pants Vanilla Frosting (adapted from Martha Stewart's Fluffy Vanilla Frosting)

Ingredients
Makes about 4 cups
2 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature
3 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice

Directions
1.With an electric mixer, beat butter on medium-high speed until pale and creamy, about 2 minutes.
2.Reduce speed to medium. Add the confectioners' sugar, 1/2 cup at a time, beating well after each addition and scraping down sides of bowl as needed; after every two additions, raise speed to high and beat 10 seconds to aerate frosting, then return to medium-high. This process should take about 5 minutes. Frosting will be very pale and fluffy.
3.Add vanilla, and beat until frosting is smooth. If not using immediately, frosting can be refrigerated up to 10 days in an airtight container. Before using, bring to room temperature, and beat on low speed until smooth again, about 5 minutes.

Happy Monday to you!

Lazy Sunday

And the Mitchie Goes To....

It's Oscar night tonight, or as most people know it, Sunday night. For those of you who do care (Mandy is not one of those people), I figured I would give you our picks for who should win. Or, more accurately, my picks with some brief commentary by Mandy.

First, a disclaimer. Since I don't live in Chicago, New York, or Los Angeles and since the Academy has once again not gotten around to getting me DVD screeners of all the movies for some reason, I haven't seen all of the films or performances nominated. The most egregious examples are A Serious Man, the new Coen Brothers film, which has not come to Savannah, and Precious, which I couldn't bring myself to go see. Alright, on to the Mitchies:

Best Supporting Actor

I've only seen two of these performances, Matt Damon's in Invictus and Christophe Waltze's in Inglourious Basterds. And Matt Damon shouldn't have been nominated since he was pretty forgettable. One more note, I think Anthony Mackie from The Hurt Locker should have been nominated in this category. Watch that performance and Damon's and there is no comparison. So the nominees for the Mitchie for Best Supporting Actor are:

Christophe Waltze, Inglourious Basterds
Anthony Mackie, The Hurt Locker
The Talking Dog From Up, Up (Mitch's Vote)
Peter Capaldi, In the Loop
Peter Sarsgaard, An Education

And the Mitchie goes to...

Christophe Waltze, Inglourious Basterds! Easily my favorite performance of the year, and arguablly one of the best movie villians of all time.

Okay, I realize if I do that for each award this post will go on forever, but I just had to correct the egregious nominations in the this category. The rest of the picks will be quick.

Best Supporting Actress: Monique will definitely win, but since I haven't seen Precious the Mitchie goes to Vera Farmiga from Up in the Air.

Best Actor: I think Jeff Bridges will win the Oscar, and deservedly so. He is brilliant in Crazy Heart. Colin Firth is also fantastic in A Single Man. The Mitchie, however, will go to Jeremy Rennar from The Hurt Locker since Jeff Bridges gets an honorary Mitchie every year for The Big Lebowski.

Best Actress: I am sure Mandy would go for Meryl Streep here for Julie and Julia, but I am giving it to Carey Mulligan for An Education. Absolutely fantastic performance in a much, much, much better movie than Boring and Julia.

Best Director: The Mitchie here goes to Kathryn Bigelow, although I am torn between her and James Cameron. Just kidding, I am torn between her and Tarantino.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Nick Hornby, An Education. This man has given us two books that became great movies (High Fidelity, About a Boy), and now gives us the best screenplay of the year.

Best Original Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds. Could have one for the first twenty minutes alone.

And finally, the nominees for the Mitchie for Best Picture are:

An Education
The Hurt Locker
Inglourious Basterds
Up in the Air
Up

So you can probably tell from how the awards have gone thus far that this is a 3 horse race, although Mitch insists Up should win. Mandy voted for, and I quote "The Hurt Locker even though I haven't seen it, the first 30 minutes of Up, and anything that isn't Avatar". Well said. An Education was incredible, but comes in a very close third. I am having a very hard time deciding between The Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds. I think if you asked me a year or two from now I would probably go the other way, but for now I have to give the Mitchie for Best Picture to...

The Hurt Locker!

Alright everyone, have fun tonight not watching the Oscars. I will be watching all four hours and loving it because I am a sick, sick man.

Who do you think should win?

What do you eat for lunch?

As I've mentioned previously, I'm back to healthy eating. Around these parts, "healthy eating" does not mean that any particular food is forbidden per se, but that I try to be moderate and balanced, and to eat the number of calories I can to lose two pounds a week. The funny thing is that I actually really like to eat healthy food--I just eat about four times the amount that a human should. This girl's got an appetite!

Healthy eating is hardest for me at lunchtime (and on vacation, but I have just had to decide that vacation doesn't count). I have neither a refrigerator nor a microwave in my classroom, so I'm limited in what I can prepare at school. Plus, my school has a Papa John's pizza line, the bane of my existence (especially for someone who was a Ninja Turtle in a past life). That damned line tortures me. WHY MUST THE GREASY PIZZA TASTE SO GOOD??? (About 500 calories in one slice--and not even 500 calories of good for me stuff.)

So I try to resist. Sometimes I fail. I've failed twice this week.

Also, my planning period is from 11:30-1:30, which means that, if I want to, I can easily hop in my car and head to Wendy's, and then hog down some fast food. A delicious Spicy Chicken Sandwich (About 400 calories for the sandwich, or 900 calories if I opt for the combo meal)or two delicious Spicy Chicken Go Wraps (640 calories for two). I wish I didn't love them so.

Obviously these two choices are shitty because of the high calories and the high sodium and the fact that I just threw down $7 for a sandwich and some crappy fries. (I could make a whole pot of carbonara for $7!)

So I need to eat better when I'm at school. An ideal lunch needs to be: tasty, low sodium, high protein, high fiber, under 500 calories, and something I won't tire of too quickly. (And even if I had a freezer/refrigerator I wouldn't go near Lean Cuisine-type meals. Every time I've eaten one of those I've been disappointed, and remained hungry.) Here's what I've got.

1. Banana and granola bars. Yeah, it's good for me and all, but it's. . .LAME! I hate the days where this is what I eat, and when I come home from school I usually find myself diving face first into a box of cheddar jack Cheez-Its.

2. Peanut butter and jelly. Not too bad, pretty filling. But super high in sodium, and a lot of calories for a silly sandwich. Hell, for that many calories and that much sodium I might as well be eating a Spicy Chicken Sandwich.

3. Spinach Salad. Spinach, dried cranberries, almonds, sometimes feta. Pretty good, not too much time for preparation. I like it when I'm eating it, but I hate the thought of eating it. Plus, if I put in the feta the salad is like 520 calories, and it just doesn't seem worth that.

Here are my two newest ideas:

4. Cheese and crackers. High in calories, but f'ing delicious. Plus, if I'm taking it to school I will have already portioned it, so I won't inhale an entire block of cheddar in a matter of minutes. But this isn't the healthiest of meals, and I'll probably be starving when I get home.

4. Hummus and veggies. Since I have a great hummus recipe, I can make craploads of it for cheap. Hummus is a little high in calories, but also loaded with good stuff. I had this for lunch today and, even though I only consumed about 300 calories, was surprisingly full. I'm thinking this one could be a winner because it'd be easy to make hummus on Sundays and then portion it out for the week. And if I'm feeling particularly frisky I can even throw in some delicious crackers.



So, what do you eat for lunch? I'm looking for ideas here!