Drinking and Driving

Saturday night, after feasting on another huge and indulgent meal and self-medicating with a magnum bottle of Sauvignon Blanc (you would understand if you knew my family), I meandered into the living room where Chloe was playing Mario Kart on the Wii.

Now, when Chloe visits, she spends approximately 85% of her time on the Wii playing Mario Kart, and she boasts about how good she is. She loves to challenge us and act very unsportsmanlike when she wins.

In the race I was watching, Chloe was doing terribly. She kept falling off the edge, and she was driving like a damned maniac. I demonstrated my maturity by laughing at her and mocking her each time she made a mistake--especially since this terrible driving was so out of the ordinary for her.

So, finally, Chloe said that I should drive since I thought I was so good. Since I was about five glasses of wine deep, I had too much confidence (kind of like the time I did the 30-day Shred with Cassie after consuming large quantities of wine). When it was time for me to pick out my track, though, my confidence began to wane and I selected Mushroom Gorge, only because that one is easy, I know it like the back of my hand, and I felt like I would suffer the least amount of embarrassment if I drove that particular track.


But something was off. Way off.

I kept falling off the edges. I didn't know where I was going. I was dying left and right. When my instincts told me to turn right, I really should have turned left, and so on. Throughout the race I was commenting about how this should serve as a lesson about why we shouldn't drink and drive (teachable moments, you know). It was awful. I came in 12th place and was a full lap behind 11th. I just couldn't understand how I'd done so badly.

I walked into the other room and, in all seriousness, stressed to Matt the importance of being sober while driving. I told him about the race and was freaking out. What if I had been driving a real car? What if I drove a real car off a cliff or a giant bouncy mushroom? I could have killed myself and other people!

And then my brother and sister (both of whom are THE DEVIL) came into the room laughing. Apparently they'd unlocked some mirror feature on the game, and the track was actually backward. So it wasn't me or the booze, it was just that my siblings are evil. What a relief!

Moral of the story: you can drink and drive on Mario Kart, but not in real life.

Also, never trust your siblings. At least, never trust mine.