Leprosy Saturday.

So, I woke up today--at noon!  ha!--and was all gung-ho to get some stuff done around the house and to be a productive member of society.  And I actually did some stuff, you know, besides finish off the Sam's club-sized box of Nilla Wafers and talk to Shecky on the phone for an hour.  Everything was going A-okay, until I went to brush my teeth and looked in the mirror and saw this staring back at me.

I totally loved Mel Gibson in the mid '90s, before I knew that he was an abusive anit-semitic asshole. 

 I loved Tom Cruise, too.  As a teenager, I was not a good judge of celebrity character.

Mmm hmmm.  I have leprosy.

For real.  No, seriously.

How does this even happen?

Well, I kind of know how it happens.  You see, I blame these two.

Because they go out in our jungle of a back yard and run around in poisonous leprosy plants, and then they come back in the house and get on the couch, and on the pillows, and I pet them and hold them, and apparently rub their fur all over my face.  My face that has, apparently, the most sensitive skin that a person can have.  I am particularly allergic to leprosy plants.

The good news is that I won't be tempted to go out to eat or go to Target today because of the humiliating leprosy, so maybe I'll actually get stuff done at home.  Like giving the dogs baths and torching the back yard and washing every single fabric thing that touches me.

Does anyone know how to cure leprosy?  Windex?

It's a good thing you're cute, dog.

It's a good thing [for the dog] that his ears and little dog expressions melt my heart. Otherwise, Mitch would be back at the pound. Allow me to share with you an experience from the last few days. . .

1. Mandy sees a flea on Mitch.

2. Mandy decides to put flea medicine on Mitch.

3. Mandy opens the dog medicine drawer.

4. Mitch bolts.

5. Mandy corners Mitch in the bedroom, and applies medicine to the back of his little dog neck while he sits on the bed.

6. Mitch spends the next 3 minutes trying to rid himself of flea medicine by flopping around on the bed, rubbing the back of his neck all over the sheets.

7. Mandy thinks nothing of this.

8. Mandy is also really bad about showering daily.

9. Mandy goes to bed.

10. Mandy wakes up with rash all over her arm.

11. Mandy thinks nothing of this, other than about how much it itches.

12. Mandy does nothing [but scratch].

13. Mandy goes to bed again, having not showered that day.

14. Mandy wakes up with a rash that has spread all up and down her arm, and must wait tables with said rash.

15. Dammit.

16. Mandy realizes that rash is most likely a result of the flea medicine that is labeled with approximately 1 million warnings.

17. Mandy finally takes a shower.

18. Rash is starting to go away.

19. F'ing dog gave me a rash! Now I'm dirty rash girl!

20. Maybe this (like the sunburn I got last summer that made my face swell and my eyes turn squinty made me wear sunscreen) will actually make me see the value in showering daily.