My Brother Jordan

During our first decade together, my brother and I had an antagonistic relationship. He was four years my junior but almost always as big as me (and could really pack a punch!--I remember a chicken fight where I ended up with a bloody nose), and for a long time I resented that he'd robbed me of my only-child status.

We tormented one another in the usual ways: stealing each other's stuff, copying what the other would say, looking at the other one too long. I was really mean to Jordan when we were kids.

I stole his beloved blanket, Woobie, and pretended to sell it.

The day he got a fish hook stuck in his face (after practicing casting in the driveway), I insisted on taking pictures of his hookeye before I would call our mom to tell her what happened. For years later I referred to him as "Hook," and used the pictures as blackmail.

I would paint his nails and dress him up in tutus, opening him to ridicule from his friends and from our uncles (who were only five years older than me--they're the ones who taught me all of these malicious tricks).

But then something happened. Something named Chloe.

When I was fifteen and Jordan was eleven, our sister Chloe entered our lives. You may remember that we'd had a family meeting to decide whether we should get a dog or a baby and we unanimously decided on the dog.

Chloe's arrival turned our worlds upside down. We'd recently moved from South Florida to Maryland, and Jordan and I didn't know many people. All of a sudden we were allies instead of enemies, and we joined forces to torment Chloe (and our parents).


There were still plenty of times that I didn't like Jordan, and probably plenty more that he didn't like me. Let's be honest--Jordan was annoying and I was a bitch. But as we got older we really did begin to enjoy each other's company more. We would make videos to mail to our friends in Florida (the one that really sticks out in my mind featured a 12-year old Jordan in a curly rainbow wig doing a dramatic lip synching to No Doubt's "Don't Speak"), and we would dare each other to do reckless things around the house (many of which involved trees, roofs, and trampolines, and many of which ended in trips to the hospital).

As I've gotten older, I've really started to appreciate Jordan. Nobody can make me laugh the way that Jordan can. We suffered through childhood and adolesence and our crazy parents together, and we understand one another in a way that nobody else does.

Tonight I was on the phone with Jordan, shit talking several of our family members and laughing hysterically, when the conversation took a turn for the worse.

J: Oh man, that was one of the most retarded things I've ever done in my life.
M: What'd you do?
J: You wouldn't believe me if I told you .
M: Yeah I would. Tell me!
J: So, uh, I'm sitting here, right. And I have a beer in one hand and my phone in the other. I reached back to pull up my pants and I poured beer right down my asscrack.
M: I'm putting this on the blog!
J: Oh man, now it looks like I've crapped myself. Right down the crack of my ass, too. Like a funnel.

I love this kid. But what kind of big sister would I be if I didn't share his beer-down-asscrack foibles with the world?

It's [almost] the [second] Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

(Because we all know that summer is the most wonderful time of the year.)

The Christmas/Thanksgiving combo is a close second, though.

Hey, is it time to start watching Elf yet?

[source]

[source]

Fifth day of self improvement plan. So far, so good. To reward myself for keeping to the plan, I allowed myself to spend money on useless stuff. For the record, spending money on useless stuff directly contradicts the principles of the plan.

My Target shopping experience tonight was one of those moments where I judge myself. Kind of like when I say "cute" too many times in a conversation, or when I talk too much during a movie, or when I leave dishes in the sink overnight, or when I accidentally say "ax" instead of "ask" (it has happened), or when I use too many exclamation points.

Tonight, on November 5, I bought Christmas ornaments. Do I need Christmas ornaments? No. Not in the least. At 28 years old, I already have two large boxes of holiday crap.

But these little felt friends are so fun!

Just wait until they meet Salty Snowman and Pepper Penguin!

I'm a damned hypocrite.

Garfunkel and Oates

If you've never experienced the magic that is Garfunkel and Oates, then you're in for a treat. I want to be friends with these girls.

This first song hits a little too close to home. And the second one I probably emailed to you about six months ago, but I can't get enough of it.

A Bolognese Recipe for You, from Cassie and Hugh

I'm obsessed with meal planning right now. Not only are we saving money (no trips to the grocery store for one thing that end with us spending $60), but we're enjoying a wider variety of foods.

We have a list hanging by the stove of meals to make, meals we have all of the ingredients to make. Last night, we tackled Hugh and Cassie's bolognese recipe.

The bolognese was f'ing amazing, and we made five servings for less than $10. Are you f'ing kidding me? That's cheaper than a Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap! (Per serving, of course. Nobody in their right mind would pay $10 for a Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap, unless it was a Diamond Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap. . .)

You'll need diced onions, celery, carrots, and minced garlic.

And some pancetta (1/4 lb. of Wilbur!)

Cube Wilbur.

Cook the onions for five minutes with some olive oil. (I was also pretty happy to make this meal because it afforded me the opportunity to use my beautiful gigantic blue Le Creuset dutch oven, this year's birthday gift from Matt's mom, who spoils me.)

Add the carrots, celery, and garlic. Cook for another five minutes.

Add the pancetta and cook for another five minutes.

Then add your ground beef. Matt's really good from here on because it's no harder than taco night. (Which is not to bemoan Matt's cooking skills--he's not only master of the grill, but he makes about half of our meals now.)

Matt wanted to just eat this part with some, I don't know, tortilla chips.

But I convinced him to keep on keepin' on. He added the milk. . .

. . .and the wine. . .

. . .and all of the spices. . .

. . .and the cheese (can you spot a dog?)

. . .and the tomatoes and the tomato paste. . .

. . .until, finally, we had this.

He gave it a good stir.

And then we let it simmer for 45 minutes.

By the end, we had a little piece of heaven.

Seriously, we make some pretty good food. This bolognese, though, was in the top three. I'm going to make the bolognese fight Fresh Market steaks to see which one comes out on top. Then, I'll have a feast of the winner and the loser.

I think this one looks delicious; Matt thinks it looks like brains (also delicious).

Fettuccine with Bolognese Sauce
Makes 4-6 servings
Hands-on Time: 20m, Total Time: 1hr 25m
Ingredients
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 large yellow onion, diced
• 3 stalks celery, diced
• 1 carrot, diced
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• ¼ pound pancetta, chopped
• 1 ½ pounds lean ground beef
• 1 cup dry white wine
• 1 cup whole milk
• 1 6-ounce can tomato paste
• 1 14.5-ounce can diced tomatoes, undrained
• ¼ teaspoon red pepper
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh oregano, or 1 tablespoon dried
• ½ cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped
• 2 ½ teaspoons kosher salt
• ¼ teaspoon black pepper
• ¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
• ¼ cup grated Parmesan

Directions
1. In a Dutch oven, over medium heat, heat the oil.

2.Add the onion and cook for 2 minutes.

3. Add the celery, carrot, and garlic and cook for 5 minutes more.

4. Add the pancetta and cook for 5 minutes, then add the beef and cook until brown.

5. Add the wine and the remaining ingredients and simmer for 45 minutes or until sauce is thick. Serve with cooked fettuccine. Sprinkle with Parmesan.

Tip
Mix pasta and sauce together before serving so all the strands are evenly coated and the flavors marry.

I'm now planning on serving this to my family on Thanksgiving Eve. Cassie says I can make it in the afternoon and allow it to sit, during which time the flavors will blend even further, and then I can just heat it up when it's meal time.

I'm in awe. So so so so delicious, and it's cheaper than Taco Bell!

Grilled Tuscan Chicken with Rosemary and Lemon

I think I've already mentioned this, but when it comes to cooking I usually turn to one of two people--Martha or Cassie.

The other night I turned to both--Martha's Great Food Fast, a birthday gift from Ms. Cassie. (Cassie picks out the best cookbooks! It's probably because she owns an extensive collection of them herself. She and Hugh had an entire huge cabinet fall down in their house because of the thousands of pounds of cookbooks they had stored on top of the cabinet. The incident prompted them to buy an industrial-strength shelf.)

I highly recommend this cookbook. Every single recipe we've used from the book has been delicious and easy.

During Sunday night's meal planning session, Matt picked out this recipe, Grilled Tuscan Chicken with Rosemary and Lemon. ("I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!")

Boil some rosemary and water together. . .

. . .and then let it steep for five minutes.

Add rosemary solution to oil and garlic, salt and pepper, and blend in a blender.

Inhale the aroma. Resist desire to drink it with a straw.

Bagock!

Coat chicken with delicious marinade. (Do not snack on Halloween candy during the waiting period, for you will lose your appetite. Lost appetite = DANGER!)
And then grill to perfection. While ours was super tasty, it was a bit, uh, crispier than Martha's*. Here's her picture of the finished product instead of ours. Next time ours will look like this.

Ingredients
Serves 4

2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary or 1 tablespoon dried rosemary
1/4 cup olive oil
2 garlic cloves
Salt and pepper
1 chicken (3 1/2 to 4 pounds), cut into 8 or 10 serving pieces
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice

Directions
1.Heat grill to medium. In a small saucepan, bring 1/3 cup water and rosemary to a boil; remove from heat, cover, and let steep 5 minutes. Transfer to a blender. Add oil and garlic; season with salt and pepper. Puree until smooth; let cool.

2.Combine chicken and rosemary oil in a shallow dish or resealable plastic bag, and turn to coat. Cover, and let marinate at least 15 minutes at room temperature or overnight in the refrigerator, turning chicken occasionally.

3.Remove chicken from marinade; place on grill. Discard marinade. Cook, basting frequently with lemon juice and turning as needed to prevent burning, until cooked throughout, 20 to 30 minutes.

*We grilled for 40 minutes, and ours did end up a little charred. Matt cooked to 180 degrees, which was what the chicken package recommended. But a little internet research has taught me that an internal temperature of 165 is good, and may result in less charring.

On a semi-related note, today was day four of self-improvement, and I'm still going strong. It was easy to be productive today since I didn't have to go to work, and I could dedicate my entire day to errands and shopping and cooking up a delicious, delicious meal that was. . .life changing. And you'll hear about it soon. Stay tuned!

How was your hump day?

Thank You, Goodyear!

While I was out running errands today, I noticed for the 75th time that I am overdue for an oil change. I passed my favorite oil change place, Goodyear, about five times, each time thinking that I should stop and just do it already.

But I didn't because I had groceries in the car and I was in the middle of a very entertaining conversation with my brother (who just might be the funniest person in the world).

So I procrastinated.

And it's a good thing I did.

Because when I got home, I looked at our foot-high stack of mail, and right on top was this:

Hells yeah!

This experience should serve as a lesson about the benefits of procrastination.

Productive Like Monica

[source]

Day three of the self-improvement plan, and I'm a regular Monica Geller. Man, do I ever feel improved! I was so busy improving and organizing and being productive yesterday that I didn't even have time to blog! Since Sunday I have:

• not taken a single nap (this is a much bigger accomplishment than it may seem!)
• gone to bed much earlier (between 11:30 and 12:30--not early per se, but way better than my previous 2:00 bedtime)
• ellipted every day (so that I can eat the entire bowl of Halloween candy and sleep like a champion)
• turned in my first quarter grades two days early (and was crazy productive all around at school)
• grocery shopped for the next 2 1/2 weeks (meal planning extraordinaire!)
• forced myself to get up 10 minutes earlier than my usual wake-up time (this is the biggest achievement of them all--next thing you know I'll be showering daily!)
• packed my lunch for school (to prevent ravenous inhalations of food upon returning home)
• still found time to snuggle with a dog (my life's purpose)

I don't have to go to school tomorrow (horray for furloughs?), so I'm really looking forward to sleeping in, enjoying the crisp air and the quiet no-screaming-teenagers Wednesday, and, of course, being even more productive.

Splitsville

A little birdie (okay, People online) told me today that Adam Lambert has split with his boyfriend.

[source]

I'm sad for Adam, but want him to know that I'll be here (and so will Matt, if that's what he's looking for) to comfort him. And by "comfort" I do mean "seduce."

Sunday Self-Improvement

I've been in a funk lately. It's been nothing horrible, but I've just fallen into old, bad habits: taking coma naps every day, eating terrible food, neglecting to exercise, etc. Basically, I've lost the routine on which I thrive.

Saturday night I decided that it was self-improvement time. Time to stop being a disgusting lazy fatbody, time to get myself together, to re-energize, and be more productive.

In short, I need to go from being one of these. . .

[source]

To being this.

[source]

And I can do it. The funny thing is, it won't even be all that hard. It'll require a little extra planning, and a little action, but in the end I'll feel better and sleep better and get more done. Hopefully I won't be such a cranky bitch, too. (Let's be realistic. I'm always going to have some element of cranky bitch, but maybe the exercise and healthy eating and being on the ball will tone it down.)

What does this self-improvement plan include, you ask? Here it goes.

• No more coma naps
• No more going to bed at 2 am
• No more meals of candy bars and/or cookies, and or cookies that are made with candy bars
• More exercise
• Thorough meal planning
• Walks with the pup every day after school (to replace the nap, though I doubt that the walks will ever be the four hours that the naps were)

It is imperative that I get myself back on track before the holidays; otherwise I will fall into an even deeper fat spiral.

Self-improvement plan started today. Today I

• Took the pup for a long walk
• Showered
• Did all of the laundry, and folded it, too
• Ellipted for thirty minutes
• Graded stacks upon stacks of papers
• Scrubbed the refrigerator
• Cleaned out the pantry
• Lunched with a friend (AT TACO BELL! Woot, woot!)
• Only ate about five miniature candy bars
• Began to plan Christmas gifts

And you know what? It's started to pay off already.

I love laundry earnings.

New Snuggie Commercial

The people who created the Snuggie ad campaign are hilarious geniuses. What I wouldn't give to be in the room with these people while they're brainstorming. (I imagine it's a lot like when Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey were in the advertising business.)

"Wearing snuggies at the movies! Snuggie game night! Snuggies for dogs! The dog will be reading a book and wearing glasses! Ha! Let's do it!"

Matt pointed out the best part of the commercial to me last night: when everyone is at the soccer game in Snuggies, cheering, warm and happy, there is one person who is not happy. He's in the bottom left corner, and he's grumpy and cold. Should've brought his Snuggie.

Snuggie's commercials are so over the top and ridiculous that we can't help but pay attention. And the price point is perfect, too. I'll spend $15 or less on a funny gift for a friend (or for my dog), but anything more than that just seems irresponsible. And, by the way, Snuggies are perfect for those days when you just want to lie on the couch, eat cookies, and pretend to be paralyzed. We joke, but those things are fantastic.

A Spinoff of a Spinoff of a Spinoff

Oh, the complexities of MTV reality television. Entertainment Weekly made my Friday, revealing that Kelly Cutrone will be receiving her own show on Bravo. Her show will seemingly be a spinoff of The City, which is a spinoff of The Hills, which is a spinoff of Laguna Beach. I've spent an embarrassing amount of my life watching and rewatching these shows.

[Source]

And I love Kelly. She's a bitch, she's outspoken, and she's super smart. Remember that time she made Lauren fire Stephanie? Or the time she told Allie that she was too skinny and should seek help?

Will you be tuning in to watch Kelly's new show?