Porky Jean

Oh, the delights of gluttony. . .

During my freshman year of college, I won a pie-eating contest. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, and I was already stuffed with brunch from D-hall. Somehow my friends entered me in the contest, and I was against these giant football boys. My competitve drive kicked in, and I kicked ass. I beat them easily, and I even ate the crust when I didn't have to. I puked afterward. It was disgusting. Disgusting.

Also during college, when I worked at the beloved Buffalo Wild Wings, my coworkers and I would participate in what we coined "Tapeworm Tuesday." Tuesday was the day that the restaurant had a wing special, and since we got 50% off, we would order wings by the dozen, inhale them, and then do it all over again. It was disgusting. Disgusting.

And also during college, my roommate Caitie (who is still one of my best friends and was the maid of honor at my wedding) and I would compete in a very, very special competition: the Fattest of the Fat. Seriously. What was the Fattest of the Fat, you may ask? It's pretty simple, really. It was a competition to see who could eat the most in a single day. We would sometimes go to the Golden Corral to make the competition more interesting. And there was a default rule. If you had food on your face for more than an hour without realizing it, you automatically won. It was disgusting. Disgusting.

I'm starting to notice a pattern here, and it's disgusting. Disgusting.

A couple of years ago Matt and I came up with a name for my super fat alter ego: Porky Jean. (My name is Amanda Jean--it's iambic.) Oh, Porky Jean. She's so gross.

Porky Jean:

• is so fat that her eyes are squinty
• always, always, always has food on her face
• only mumbles--her mouth is always so full of food and you can never understand what she is saying
• has condescending older female relatives who all have Southern accents
• is very fat

A typical exchange between Porky Jean and one of her female relatives:

Relative: Pawky Jeeean, you have ranch dressin' in yaw ahbraw.
Porky Jean: Mmm, bah, mmm, bah.

Also, Porky Jean has the mannerisms of a dinosaur. Enjoy the video. Sorry it's sideways; I can't figure out how to fix it.

If only I had a super skinny alter ego. . .