13 March 2010

Father of the Decade[s]


So, my Grandpa Bill, my mom's dad, is a loser. He was brilliant when he was younger, but too arrogant to do anything with his brains (brains that have now, it seems, completely deteriorated), he was lazy, he was a philanderer, and he was and remains a terrible father. A deadbeat. Grandpa Bill, the deadbeat.

I'm not really a member of the Grandpa Bill Fan Club.

And I would put a picture of him up here, but I haven't seen him since digital cameras were invented, and I don't have a scanner.

The other day, while on Facebook (which is where I find out all information about my family), I learned something new about Grandpa Bill.

While living in Delaware and working at the local Wal-Mart, Grandpa Bill met the newest "love of his life," a woman who is 24 years old. Grandpa Bill will be turning 69 next month. And let's be clear: Grandpa's not got a Paul Newman quality. He's not one of those men who age gracefully or who were ever that handsome to begin with. And he's not charismatic or charming. But apparently he's charming enough to earn the love of his 24-year old lady friend, a woman whose hideaousness I can only imagine.

And as if knowledge of this relationship wasn't disturbing enough, I learned (on Facebook, as did the rest of my family), that Grandpa Bill recently became a daddy again, to Verity Jade, born February 13.

Grandpa now has children who are 47, 45, 42, 34, 33, 26, and one month old. Matt says he's trying to have a child of every generation. I want to puke all over myself. Jordan says it says something about the genes, and he's going to start wearing tighty whities and drinking Mountain Dew.

But, anyway, happy belated birthday to my new aunt, Verity. Poor kid.


  1. I promise that this mysterious 24 year old Delawarian (?) is not me.

  2. Ha! You would be my new step-grandma!



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