So here's why today was awesome. I got a crapload of work done at school today (including dragging a cart with 600 lbs. of books across campus, sweating like a sweaty pig girl), I went to lunch with two super fun and sassy coworkers, I got my second pair of perfect trousers from Gap using my 40% off coupon, I checked out The Beatles' White Album from the library (and absolutely DID NOT load it onto my computer so that I can burn copies to listen to it in my car**), I got to go to Publix, I cleaned the shit out of our house, my phone (the one I broke with my tears) started working again after being buried in a Ziploc bag full of rice, I talked to Grandma Carol (love you, Grandma!), Cassie brought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers (in JMU colors!), we ate BBQ chicken and pineapple quesadillas, I indulged in a few glasses of wine, and. . .I remembered the idea that Tanya and I had years ago, the idea that will likely earn us millions.
Here's how it all started. Cassie was over for dinner, and after we ate, we sat around the kitchen table, just a talkin' and a laughin' away. Somehow the topic of what we wanted done with our bodies after we died came up, and we all agreed that we wanted to donate our bodies to science. But apparently, when you donate your body to science, the science folk cut up your body and look at it and stuff, but then when they're done dissecting you, they cremate you. So we're stuck, then, with what to do with the ashes.
So what to do with the ashes? I initially suggested having a serial killer stick my ashes to a wall with his saliva, and to have his victims point to the ashes, but that seems really complicated and hard to orchestrate post-mortem (plus, I'm pretty sure it's been done before on some TV show). Matt suggested putting his ashes in a coffee can and dumping them in the Pacific, a la, The Big Lebowski (a movie that I have watched in short segments over the course of eight years, and when I finally finished it I was all "Seriously, Matt? That's your favorite movie in the world?***), which I think means that he wants someone else to stand there while his ashes blow into their face. Cassie said that she wanted her ashes spread from some mountain in Italy, the highest point in Cinque Terre, where she and Hugh honeymooned. She added that she wanted some of them thrown in the direction of the beach, so that the sunbathers would be coated with a little bit o'**** Cassie. (Would that mean that they would suddenly find themselves able to cook delicious meals and arrange flowers beautifully?)
And then I remembered. . .ASH PACKETS.
When Tanya and I were in high school, we were pretty innovative. One night, we came up with the best idea of all time (well, second or third best--after the invention of wine and making dogs be pets). Ash packets. What are Ash Packets, you ask? Well, here's what happens. You die. You get cremated. Your ashes get distributed in packages similar to those that house the famed moist towelette (or wet nap, for those of us who are less fancy). AND THEN, your Ash Packets can be distributed as favors at your funeral.
For another small fee, you can add a little voice recorder chip. (Now, this would require a little bit o' pre-planning, because, obviously, you'd have to record this before death.) The clip could say something creepy like, "I will always be with you" or they could say something funny like, "BANANAS!"
And, people could collect Ash Packets. You could have a whole wallet full o' them. It would be like how you collected senior pictures senior year, or, if you chose, you could have one of those shelves that people have for shot glasses with the little individual spotlights.
I think it's a million dollar idea. What do you think? (For the record, Matt and Cassie both thought it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.)
**By the way, if I were to have a soundtrack of my senior year of high school, it would basically just be The Beatles' White Album. Tanya and I would listen to it over and over again. Our favorite song (well, her favorite song that quickly became my favorite song) was "Why Don't We Do It In the Road?". When Tanya and I made lists of the top ten qualities that we we looking for in a future husband, she listed, "A willingness to do it in the road." I love Tanya.
***It's not his favorite movie. It's one of his favorite movies.
****I am either feeling very Irish, or am having a craving for a Bit O' Honey.