05 June 2011

Barbie Girl.

Hey!  Don't forget to head to my reviews page to enter to win the $100 HomeGoods gift card!  Just leave a comment and you're entered to win!  Shoot yeah!

Here's something that probably won't surprise you: I love Barbies.

Barbie, her kid sister Skipper, her [probably gay] boyfriend Ken, and her Island Fun ethnic friend Miko were my toys of choice in the late '80s.  MY GOD, how I loved to dress them and come up with twisted scenarios for them to act out!

Most of these scenes involved the ladies fighting over Ken.  It was a supply and demand kind of thing, and there was only one of him and there were like 12 of them.  Barbie and her gals had to turn a little slutty.  (It was very much like attending a liberal arts college.)  I would usually spend about two hours dressing Barbie and brushing her hair and setting up her house, only to climax with a sordid scene during which Barbie and Miko got in a big fight because Ken liked Miko more, and Barbie would slap Miko with her bent-elbow arm and then drive off in her Corvette.  And then Ken and Miko would strip down to nothing but their rubbery bodies and slap themselves together while making kissing noises.  It took about 2 hours of preparation for about 3 minutes of drama.

My friend Sloan and I playing Barbies in my closet.  Note the headless Barbie to the left.  
And the Osh-Kosh overall straps.  Oh, the eighties.

Later, I'd decide that Miko needed different arms because she wanted to slow dance with Ken (you know, after the hot sex), so I'd rip Barbie's head off of her body and put Miko's head on that bent-arm body.  As time passed, I had accidentally broken the neck piece that allowed the heads full rotation in almost every one of my dolls, so I had to smoosh their heads down.  So I had a bunch of tall, skinny, no-neck supermodels.  Oh well.  At least their clothes were cool.  And at least they could still go chill in the Hawaiian Hut.

My Barbie interest would ebb and flow.  In middle school my friend Krissy and I would go hide in her room and play with all of her Barbies.  Her parents were divorced and her mom spoiled her something rotten, so she had the dream house and boxes and boxes of clothes and cars and dozens of dolls.  We knew that we were too old to be playing with Barbies, but we didn't care because they were SO AWESOME!  And if you think that the plots of my late '80s Barbie play were awful, you should've heard what our mid '90s Barbies were up to (this was also during 90210's heyday).  Unfortunately, the content of these storylines is not blog appropriate.  Shooot.

Later, during college, I again became very into Barbies.  This time it wasn't so much for the playing, but more for the nostalgia.  So after a few birthdays and late-night shopping trips, I quickly found myself--again--the owner of a brood of Barbies.  They even featured part of my Barbie collection in the feature that our school newspaper did about our house on JMU Cribs.  (Which kind of deserves its own post.)

Fast forward.  I move to Savannah and grow up and get married.  And then I meet Iris, a little fashionista on whom I love to bestow gifts.  For Iris's second birthday, Cassie and I wanted so badly to buy her a Barbie.  But, no!  Ann, Iris's mom, was dead set against it, claiming that Barbies promote negative body image, and that Barbies are whores and so on.  Cassie and I persisted, later telling Ann that we would be buying Iris either a puppy or a Barbie for [birthday, Christmas, random Wednesday].  But Ann was so against Iris having Barbies that even our manipulative tactics were futile.

"Don't you dare buy my kid a stupid Barbie!"

You can imagine how aghast I was, then, when yesterday, at Iris's 5th birthday party, I saw Iris receive not one, BUT TWO (!!) Barbies.  AND ONE WAS FROM HER MOTHER!  And you can imagine Cassie's reaction when I emailed her these pictures.  There was lots of language that is also not blog appropriate.

Basically,  Cassie and I are now in a fight with Ann. And you know what Cassie and I do when we're in a fight with someone?  We go to Target.

Brace yourself for the Barbie-splosion!


  1. haha, Mary and I would spend 2 weeks sorting accessories and setting up our Barbie houses for like, a day's worth of soap opera.

    Plus we had Dylan and Brandon dolls from 90210, so our Barbies had super hot boyfriends/husbands/divorcees/widowers/secretly gay friend with benefits.

  2. for the record, I bought her a vintage 1963 teacher barbie...it has black hair and a pencil skirt. so it is classy slutty, not trailer park -glam- whore -slutty. Can't you see the difference?

  3. My Barbie was a whore too, but she had GI Joe to play with. He's a "real man" compared to Ken (whose knees didn't bend, take that as you will.) She also hung out with a cowgirl doll named Jane and they had horses.
    I had a different Hawaiian hut, a Winnebago (mobile home) and a Barbie shopping mall. For Christmas one year I got a fake Skipper who grew boobs simply by turning her arm a full circle-boy was my Mom mad at Grandma when she gave me that one!
    Alas, I outgrew Babs and moved, so the little girl I babysat inherited my whole collection. Lucky kid.

  4. Audrey, I totally envy your 90210 dolls. Do you think I can buy them on ebay?

    Ann, I really liked the Barbie you got Iris. But she was definitely the kind of teacher who would sleep with the student.

    freckledme (whose name I should know but I don't), um, that was hilarious. I feel like I kind of remember this Skipper boob doll. And the Winnebago was awesome! Krissy had that, too. And I loved the Barbie horses, the ones where the eyes blinked when you brushed their hair!?

  5. More than likely. Mary had Brenda and I had Donna too, but the Donna doll was fugly so I hated her.

    Fun fact, I'm like, 90% sure Sue bought the Dylan and Brandon dolls for us. Or Sue and my mom brought them back from one of their 18 hour mall crawls.

    Damn, I miss Barbies. I wonder if I would even know how to play with them anymore.



Related Posts with Thumbnails