WTF, HomeGoods?

Let me begin this by admitting that I am not the master of home decor. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I hate when things match, and I opt for comfort or function over appearance. My personal style of decorating is "the college dorm room, slightly matured." Another word for it may be garish, or mismatched. If we're using euphemisms we'll say that my style is eclectic. Really it's tacky. But I like tacky and kitschy, so it's fine.

Our living room, for example, looks perfectly respectable at first glance. . . And then you get a closer look. . . Why, is that a picture of Christ painted on black velvet? Yes it is. Is that a framed photo of the Obamas? Our cousins, the Obamas? Yes it is.

See what I mean?

One of the only sources of redemption in my decorating prowess is a good trip to HomeGoods. Often I can find a great deal on some kitchen thing I've been needing [wanting], or I'll get a great deal on a 600-count king sheet set ($40!!!).

It's not all good, though. Tonight's trip reveled some real, uh, treasures.

Oh, HomeGoods. . . Why? (Forgive the quality of the pictures. I was skulking around Home Goods snapping pictures, laughing, and trying to keep from being thrown out of the store.)

Why is there a magenta gargoyle demon? And what is the purpose of said demon?

But it gets worse. Look at this evil elf. It may be hard to tell from the photo, but this fiend is about four feet tall. I also accidentally knocked him over.

Here's a closer look at his face. By the way, this thing cost $100. I think I'd rather just set $100 on fire. Of course, it may be fun to place the elf by the bed of a child. You know, if you were involved in some sort of evil psychological experiment or something.

I'm probably going to have nightmares about this face.

Need a statue of a dog dressed in Christmas attire? HomeGoods is your place.

Need a figurine of a turkey holding onto two Native American mice things? HomeGoods.

Can't figure out how to spend that $15 that's burning a hole in your pocket? Need to buy a gift for someone you hate? At HomeGoods you can find this gorgeous angelic. . .thing.

What really kills me about this stuff is that not only did someone come up with the ideas, but someone else executed those ideas. Someone out there actually created this stuff. They said to themselves, "You know what the world is missing? A sculpture of a French bulldog dressed up for Christmas." And someone is going to buy this shit!

Not me, though. Unless, of course, I have to buy a gift for someone I hate.