Teen Mom: A Rant

Tonight, I was discussing a recent television addiction, Teen Mom, with a friend who is an an avid watcher but would rather the whole world wide web not know of her affinity for trashy MTV reality television. (But I'll give you a hint: her name rhymes with sassy.  It's not really her fault, though.  I made her watch 16 and Pregnant, which is basically like giving a person heroin and wondering why they become a junkie.)

In case you don't watch Teen Mom (because, presumably, you have better things to do with your time or are too old and too mature to indulge in such smut), allow me to provide you a quick overview.  There are four teen moms (fancy that!) and we follow them as they try their hands at motherhood.  Actually, one of the teen moms gave her baby up for adoption (lucky little bastard dodged a real bullet on that one), so only three of the teen moms are actually raising kids. 

(Farrah and her mom)

First, there's Farrah.  She's the best looking of the teen moms featured, but as we all know, pretty doesn't equal smart.  Farrah let her baby fall off the bed, and on a recent episode she tried her hand at speed dating, where she learned a hard lesson: that she is no longer too good for anyone, including the weird guy who had some kind of kickboxing mantra tattooed on his arm in Thai.  Ouch!  Farrah also has some deep-rooted mommy issues, and could, in my opinion, stand to learn another tough lesson--that sometimes moms can be whorebags, and maybe they don't deserve a place in your life. 

(Maci)

Then there's Maci.  Maci isn't the cutest, but she seems to be the smartest (which isn't saying a whole lot, considering the competition).  She named her kid Bentley, a name that seems like it should be tattooed across a teenage boy's stomach.  Currently, she's dating a guy who looks like Landry from Friday Night Lights, only on steroids.  She is trying to get an education, though, so I guess I need to give her props for at least trying.

(Catelynn and her ridiculous boyfriend)

Next up, we have Catelynn.  I actually have fleeting moments where I pity Catelynn.  Her mom is even more of a maniacal see-you-next-Tuesday than Farrah's mom.  Catelynn's the one who put her baby up for adoption, and while I kind of admire that choice (I would have admired the choice to take birth control even more), I can only be sympathetic for so long.  I was especially annoyed with her when she had a second pregnancy scare.  And, am I wrong, or was she prom dress shopping at Fashion Bug?  I didn't even know Fashion Bug was still around.

(Amber)

And last--and least--there's Amber.  My god, I hate Amber.  Not only does she look like Elvira and Miss Piggy had a baby, but she's super super dumb to boot. (Like, was-crying-because-she-couldn't-pass-the- GED-practice-test dumb.)  And she's a bitch.  Seriously, this girl has zero redeeming qualities.  And her boyfriend!  Sometimes I wonder if Amber and her boyfriend are in some kind of contest with each other to be the most loathsome human being on the planet.  Watch out, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Sarah Palin--Amber and her baby daddy are a nippin' at your heels! 

(Amber and her boyfriend even got into a fight!  Was this before or after he cheated

on her with the girl he met in the diaper aisle at Wal-Mart?)

Anyway, I need to go donate our entire savings account to Planned Parenthood now.

Do you watch Teen Mom?