Big Time Sports Fan

Tonight I watched basketball.

And I know a lot about basketball.

I know that you'll probably be better at basketball if you're tall.

I know that you'll probably be better at basketball if you have good aim.

I know that basketball will make you tired.

I know that it looks easy to palm a basketball but it is not.

I know that basketball has started to suck more in the last decade or so because it's all about these big douchey stars who are ball hogs and take all the attention for themselves and it's less about teamwork.

I also know that basketball shorts are way longer now than they used to be.

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Told you I know a lot about basketball.

Anyway, I watched basketball tonight and it was really exciting.  Usually I don't care about basketball (probably because I know everything there is to know about the sport), but I cared tonight for two reasons.

1.  About five years ago, Miami and Dallas played basketball for the championship and Miami was down by a bunch of games and Matt bet a bunch of money* to guys at work that Miami wouldn't come back to win.  Miami def came back to win.  That sucked.

2.  I've had a running joke with a student of mine about Dwayne Wade, who the student claims is "the rawest in the nation."  I've insisted that, no, Dwayne Wade is the least raw in the nation, and that I read on Facebook that Michael Jordan is the one who holds the "rawest in the nation" title.  It's been kind of like this:



Except not as angry.

Anyway, after tonight's game (during which Dallas was VERY good at basketball, and Dwayne Wade was not really all that raw at all), my student*** might find this picture accidentally taped to his seat.  Or maybe I can get the art teacher to make a button out of it for me?

I haven't been this excited to go to work in a long time.

Hope your Friday is raw.


*Bunch of money like "Oh, shoot, we totally could've gone to Applebee's** like two or three times with that money" bunch of money.  Not like a Brandon Walsh seeks out a loan shark sum of money.


**It was five years ago.  And we never claimed to have good taste.  I'd still fight a hobo for a plate of their nachos.


***This is the same student who once said to me, "I know you're gonna miss me when I'm gone," to which I replied, "Yeah, why's that?"  "'Cause you're gonna miss my club moves."  He then proceeded to dance (very well, I might add) his way out of the classroom.

War Dogs: A Post from Mitch

Hey, y'all.  It's me, Mitch.  Well, I've been so lazy about blogging lately.  I don't really know what's gotten into me.  I mean, maybe my Aunt Cassie has been rubbing off on me, or maybe I'm just turning into a cat.

Actually, I'm totally not turning into a cat, y'all, because that would be like the worst thing.  I mean, have you ever met a cat?  They are so mean and have such sharp claws!  One time this cat came in the house because my mom thought that I wanted a cat brother and then I tried to play chase with it and I ran into a chair that ran into the Christmas tree and a bunch of ornaments fell off and my mom was sooooooo mad.  And I was all, "I mean, why'd you bring a cat in here?  Cats are such jerks."  And they're lazy, too.  

Anyway, not that much has been going on with me here.  I've basically just been keeping my mom company while she takes really, really long naps.  Naps that are so long that even I--a dog!--am like, "Whoa, shouldn't we be doing something with our lives?"  But we have been watching a lot of the Air Bud movies (I mean, have you SEEN Seventh Inning Fetch?  If you haven't, then you're really missing out on an important part of American cinema.)

And, as you may know, I recently turned seven, which was a little bit of a crisis for me.  I mean, seven?  That's like, old, y'all.  And, to be honest, I don't feel a day over two.

And then I look around at all of these other dogs (Air Bud aside) who are really doing something with their lives.  I mean, there's Bo, who's working on foreign relations.  And there are those dogs who go to my mom's school to smell for drugs and cell phones.  And what about the dogs who can smell for cancer?  I totally should've learned to do that.  And did you know that there was a dog on the super secret Osama bin Laden capture/kill mission?  I mean, is there anything cooler than being able to say that you were the dog who sniffed that a-hole out?  Um, I'm also have reason to believe that it was the dog who killed him.  But that's classified information and I've already told you too much.

I totally should've joined the army when I had the chance, y'all.  Look how cool it is!

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Oh, what?  They fire guns?  Those loud boom guns?  And they don't get to sit on couches or sleep in the big bed?  Do they at least get to pre-wash all of the dishes after dinner?  No?  Well, that's some bull jive, y'all.

Nevermind.  Scratch that whole army business.  If you need me, I'll be lying in the guest bed with my mom watching Air Bud: Spikes Back.  Or maybe Golden Receiver.  I've seen Spikes Back like 30 times already.

Weird Owl: A Post from Mitch

So, my mom and dad abandoned me for a week.  Okay, well, not really abandoned so much as left me with Aunt Cris and Reilly, my best friend, but still.  I mean, I think I would have liked to go to a baseball game and to visit New York City and to see David Letterman.  David Letterman is SOOOO funny, you guys.  Have you ever seen when he does stupid pet tricks?  I love that guy.

But anyway, my mom and dad left, and I was pretty sad.  But then they came back eight days later, and I was so happy.  And I jumped around and licked their legs and cuddled.  It was so nice to be back in the big bed with my mom and dad. 

What wasn't nice was that not even eight hours after getting home, my evil mother asked me if I'd like to go for a ride in the car.  "She's trying to make up for the abandonment," I thought to myself.  "We're going to PetSmart and then to the park and then to the movies to see Cats and Dogs!"  How silly of me.  I should have known.  Did we go to any of the aforementioned places?  No, no we didn't.  We went to the vet.  THE VET!  I had just gone to the vet two weeks before, and I was pretty sure that I wouldn't have to go back for another fifty weeks.  But no.  My mother is the devil.

So I had things jammed into me and I had to have a muzzle on my nose while three strangers held me down on the ground and clipped my nails.  It was bad, you guys.

And then, because she felt guilty, later that day my mom came back from Target with this stupid stuffed animal, a toy that I'm pretty sure she only bought because she got it for 75% off.  My mom is the cheapest person on the planet.

It's an owl.  A weird owl. 

I'm not thrilled with Weird Owl.  I don't even want to look at his stupid self.

And I'm not thrilled with my mother about this vet thing.

And she's not thrilled with the Amish.  Did you know that my mom hates the Amish?  She says that they're cheaters.



And now it's come full circle.  I'll talk to you guys later.  Today I'll be sleeping on the couch and maybe eating the guts out of that stupid owl. 

Inside a Dog's World

If you are my Facebook friend, you already know that when I pulled the couch cushions off of the couch today to wash the covers, I discovered that one Mitchell Pancake had buried nine rawhide bones within. NINE. It's like he grew up during the Depression or something. (Looking back, he kind of did. Matt and I were super broke during the first years of Mitch's life.)

Somewhere in my brain I know that Mitch is not actually a human, and that he doesn't view the world the same way that we do. But I refuse to believe it. The dog uses armrests for Christ's sake! It's only when he acts on his dog instincts (i.e. burying bones around the house) that I must acknowledge that he is a dog, and not a cuter, more furry, more quiet human companion. (Though it must be said that I would prefer the company of the dog to the company of approximately 97% of humans. I mean, we are E.T. and Eliot.)

Matt and I will talk about what Mitch is thinking, and we constantly put words in his mouth (and an occasional blog post in his, what, paws?). Today my friend Brian sent me this fascinating doggy article, "The last word: Inside a dog's world," that attempts to explain the world from a dog's point of view. If you have a pup, I'd recommend reading it. Did you know that human noses have about 6 million receptor sites, but beagle noses have more than 300 million?

You would know that if you had read the article.

One of my favorite passages, on the topic of kisses from a pup:

First, the bad news: Researchers of wild canids—wolves, coyotes, foxes, and other wild dogs—report that puppies lick the face and muzzle of their mother when she returns from a hunt to her den, in order to get her to regurgitate for them. Licking around the mouth seems to be the cue that stimulates her to vomit up some nicely partially digested meat. How disappointed Pump must be that not a single time have I regurgitated half-eaten rabbit flesh for her.

I know that, regardless of what experts may say, my Mitchell experiences the same emotions I do. I dare you to disagree. . .

Desperation

Melancholy

Frustration and Annoyance

Suspicion

Pride

Adoration

Compassion, Sympathy

Apathy

And that's just to name a few. What about your dog? Is your pup just a human trapped in a body with a tail?

Matt's Movie Review: Top 5 this Year

For those of you who don't know, I go to the movies almost every week with my friend Collin. Collin, who saves his ticket stub from every movie, was kind enough to send me a list of all the flicks we have seen this year so I could do a top five movies of the year thus far. Unfortunately, four of the first five movies we saw this year were releases from last year, and thus I made them ineligible for the list. So Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Millionare, The Wrestler, and Gran Turino are not on the list. It sucks living somewhere where you have to wait until January and February to see all of the Oscar contenders. So the list of movies I am choosing from is actually a bit shorter than I had anticipated:

• Defiance
• Coraline
• Watchmen
• Friday the 13th
• I Love You, Man
• Duplicity
• Observe and Report
• The Soloist
• Wolverine
• Star Trek
• Terminator Salvation
• Drag Me to Hell
• The Hangover
• Year One
• Public Enemies
• Funny People
• The Hurt Locker
• Up

So those are the movies I have seen in the theatre this year. Without further ado, my top five.

5. Star Trek

So I thought a lot about this fifth pick, and one thing finally settled it. I was very close to putting Public Enemies here, but I thought to myself, if these two movies were on cable late one night, which one would I watch? Not even close. Public Enemies features a strong lead performance by Johnny Depp and some interesting direction by Michael Mann, but in the end the story isn't particularly compelling. Star Trek, on the other hand, is a very successful summer popcorn movie, fun from beginning to end. Zachary Quinto as Spock and Chris Pine as Captain Kirk anchor a great cast as they reimagine a series that I had previously had almost no interest in. Props to JJ Abrams for rebooting this franchise.

4. The Hangover

Most of you have probably seen this movie already, and for those who haven't I won't ruin any of the jokes. Great performances from some long undersung comedic actors and plenty of debauchery. Obviously the MVP of this flick is Zach Galifinakis, who will probalby make about a billion dollars in the next two years.

3. Up

Refer to the wife's review of this flick for the full take. Needless to say it got a little dusty in the movie theater. I am beginning to wonder if Pixar will ever make a bad movie.

2. Funny People

Saying that this is Adam Sandler's greatest performance is an understatement on the level of saying that Sarah Palin is not well versed in the issues of the day. This is Judd Apatow's third movie as a director, despite all of the movies to which he has lent his name as producer. The first two: 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. The guy knows how to make a good movie. This one works on several levels. It is funny as hell, it is a fascinating character study, and it takes the viewer inside the world of stand up comedians in a way few movies do. Adam Sandler plays George Simmons, a comedian who has consistently sold out over his career by making a series of terrible movies that have made a lot of money. I know, what a stretch for him. Simmons is diagnosed with a disease that will most likely be fatal, and he is forced to confront the emptiness of his life. We have seen this sort of thing before. The genius of the film is that it never shys away from the fact the George Simmons is not a good guy. Every time it veers into schmaltz, there is a dick joke to break the tension. While the two main characters are played brilliantly by Sandler and Seth Rogen, the supporting characters are equally fascinating and true. Jonah Hill is hilarious as always and Jason Schwartzman nails a character everyone feels like they kind of know (and hate).

1. The Hurt Locker

By far the best movie to come out this year is Kathryn Bigelow's The Hurt Locker. It follows an army bomb squad in Iraq in 2004. The lead performances, by Jeremy Rennar as team leader Seargent William James and Anthony Mackie as Sandborn are brilliant. James is an adrenaline junkie who has defused over 800 bombs and Sandborn is the man tasked with keeping him safe while he goes about his work. It perfectly captures the sense of a war in which any onlooker is a potential enemy and any hunk of rubble could be the bomb that kills you. It also manages to revitalize a tired movie/TV cliche of the disarming of bombs (which wire do I cut?) Bigelow uses a hanheld camera to put the viewer right in the situation with the characters while avoiding the pitfalls of that technique. Unlike other filmakers who have used the kind of grainy, handheld, cinema verite kinds of techniques (Michael Mann in Public Enemies for one) Bigelow never loses track of the characters or the action. In every scene the stakes are both incredibly high and perfectly clear. Even disregarding its trenchant observations on the Iraq war and what it means to fight in it, the film works as an action movie and as a thriller. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. The Hurt Locker is the best movie yet about the Iraq war and the best war movie since Saving Private Ryan.

Any other movie fans who read the blog, post your favorites this year so far in the comments. Or, if you agree or disagree with any of my takes, or if you have suggestions for other movies we should check out, let us know.

Coming soon, the worst movies I've seen this year.