I'm a Sweater.

It's been a weird week for me and the rest of us here at M Cubed, and I apologize for being such a blog-writing slacker.  I've been waiting tables for vacation money (and Target money), and other than that I've done nothing that's been particularly interesting.  But here's what I've got to share with you on this Friday.

1. Is Audrina on The Hills dating the same Ryan that Ashlee Simpson was dating?  Wow, I'd forgotten about how much I hated Ashlee Simpson.  And, boy, Ryan got fat.  It's okay, Ryan, I know how it is.
2. Speaking of MTV reality TV, how is Olivia (from The City) so evil?  Methinks she's in a contest with Spencer Pratt for most loathed character on television.
3. I still hate Top Chef's Angelo.
4. Trying to lure the wasps on the carport into a syrupy death.  It's not working so well.  As soon as I get the chance, it'll be science experiment time.  Get excited now. 
5. I don't vacuum or mop when it's raining, or when it's just rained, or if it looks like it's going to rain.  But here in Savannah it rains almost daily during the summer, and I'm thinking that I'll have to change my vacuuming/rain rules.  I won't walk across our floors right now unless I'm wearing shoes, which I think is a sign that it's time for a little cleaning.
6. I ate four (or was it six?) flour tortillas (the small ones) for dinner.  I only eat them in twos.  I also separate my Skittles by color and try to keep them grouped in even numbers, eating them in a rainbow order (red, then orange, then yellow, then green, etc). 
7. On Sunday night our electricity went out for ten hours, from eight o'clock until six something in the morning.  That was annoying enough.  Even more annoying, though, was the fact that our neighbors directly across the street still had power.  Stuff like that makes me wish that I was more friendly with the neighbors, or at least that I was more skilled at stealing electricity from others.
8. I have yet to remove that hideaous mint color from my toenails. 
9. Matt bought me She & Him Volume II for our anniversary.  He also bought me 500 Days of Summer.  Matt says that the third anniversary is the Zooey Deschanel anniversary. 
10. I've actually somewhat enjoyed waiting tables this week.  It's nice to be active, and to make money instead of spend it.  The biggest downside has been the embarrassment I've suffered because I have a sweaty, sweaty face.  Like, I sweat more than anyone I know, but it all comes out through my face.  It literally drips down my face.  F'ing disgusting.  This is probably some horrible disease.  I'm a sweater.  It's the sweater disease.

So, there you have it.  I'm sure that, having read this list of ten very uninteresting things, you're happy that I slowed down posting this week.

Happiness Is. . .

What a week it's been! My last seven days have been complete mayhem, mostly because of the 90 ninth graders who are itching to get out of school. Last night I was up until 3:00 a.m. baking cookies and cakes for those ninth graders, my last-ditch effort to end their year in a positive way. I'm going to be a very happy girl tomorrow afternoon, as I bid those little darlings farewell.  But I'll be an even happier one after Thursday's graduation. There's nothing better in the world than summer vacation, and it's so close that I can taste it.

Now, I actually have something even more important to share with you, something that may end up being the one thing my life was actually missing. The time is finally here. I always knew that this would make me happy, but until I experienced it for myself I had no idea the depths of joy it would allow me to tap into.

So without further ado.




Because I want to tell you before I tell even my closest friends or family members.



And because I think this event is going to be life-changing.




Here it goes.




Chick-Fil-A has a new Spicy Chicken Sandwich!  

[source]

And it's really f'ing good. 

I've got a sink full of baking dishes, a dog outside barking at God knows what, thirsty plants, and gritty floors.  And I just realized that my week has been so crazy that I forgot to watch The Hills and The City!  Looks like I've got a busy night in store.  It's a good thing I just ate my Spicy Chicken Sandwich, a.k.a., "Productivity Fuel."  I think that's the campaign that Chick-Fil-A should use to promote the sandwich.  Either that, or, "The chicken sandwich that Jesus would eat."

On the Upswing

I've spent the last nine or so hours being a grouch, but that is no more.  I have myself a jug of Simply Grapefruit juice, a new bottle of Sally Hansen's Complete Salon Manicure nail polish, and MTV is playing The Hills from the very beginning! 

And, as though that were not enough. . .I found something pretty amazing today while perusing Amazon for $5.05 more in purchases (ended up buying a toy for Mitch) so that I would qualify for FREE SUPER SAVER SHIPPING. (!) 

But, first, some back story.

Mitch is a dingo.  Dingoes eat babies.  Everyone knows that.

But it's considered poor form to feed actual human babies to your dog (or so I've heard), so I thought it would be fun to get a baby-shaped cookie cutter for his homemade dog treats.

First, I found this one:

I got this one at a kitchen store downtown, but it didn't seem to have the shock factor that a more authentic baby shape would lend.

But tonight I found this one:

Much better, wouldn't you say?  I would really enjoy pulling one of these babies (ha!) out of the treat tin for Sir Mitchell.

But wait.  It gets ever better and more disturbing.  Because after I found choice #2, I found this one, the most haunting cookie cutter that has ever existed:

Ummmmm, fetus-shaped cookies?  Gross.  Also, I am buying one.  Like, now.

Marital Bliss

Matt: Wait, did you see last week's episodes of The Hills and The City?

Me: Ummmmmm, hmmmmm, I think so.

Matt: [reading the info] Justin Bobby follows Kristin to Las Vegas!

Me: Oh, no! I haven't seen that one yet!

Matt: Well, you have it, because I recorded it for you.

Me: Oh, thank you! I have the best husband.

Matt: Yes you do. Now go make me some f'*&^ing pasta.

(He was joking. If he wasn't, I'll poison his pasta.)

Comcast--FAIL!

Dear Comcast:

I know that we have a long history together. Remember the good ol' days, those filled with Family Ties and Joe Millionaire and high speed internet? Remember all of the hours that we have spent together, and all of the dollars that I have sent your way?

I am growing close to ending our friendship. It's a give and take, you see. I give you what could amount to a car payment each month, and you give me fast internet service, DVR, more channels than I could ever watch, and On Demand. Or so I thought.

Comcast, your On Demand is a suckfest. Why, when I go to watch this week's episodes of The Hills and The City, do you only have the most recent episode of The Hills? Listen, if it's one or the other, I choose The City. The Hills jumped the shark long ago. Sure, I still watch it, but it's become less and less enjoyable and more staged than ever. But The City is hip and fresh, and stars Kelly Cutrone! And I love to hate Olivia even more than I loved to hate Spencer Pratt.

This is not the first time you've denied me an episode of the best non-reality, reality soap opera on television today. No, because last season I never got to see the finale because of your On Demand ineptitude. I want The City and I want it NOW.

Fix it! If you don't, consider our long-standing friendship effectively ENDED.

Yours truly,

Mandy

A Spinoff of a Spinoff of a Spinoff

Oh, the complexities of MTV reality television. Entertainment Weekly made my Friday, revealing that Kelly Cutrone will be receiving her own show on Bravo. Her show will seemingly be a spinoff of The City, which is a spinoff of The Hills, which is a spinoff of Laguna Beach. I've spent an embarrassing amount of my life watching and rewatching these shows.

[Source]

And I love Kelly. She's a bitch, she's outspoken, and she's super smart. Remember that time she made Lauren fire Stephanie? Or the time she told Allie that she was too skinny and should seek help?

Will you be tuning in to watch Kelly's new show?

What I'm Watching

I really love the beginning of autumn. I love the crisp days and the hearty meals, the thought of wearing sweaters and hats and scarves. But one of the best things about this time of year? A NEW SEASON OF TV!

Here are some quick reviews of five shows that will get me through the school year:

1. The Office. I wasn't thrilled with the whole pregnancy thing, but I have faith that the writers will pull it off with plenty of awkward, I'm-embarrassed-for-them moments. And I'm particularly excited for the upcoming wedding episode. I love me a good tv wedding episode. Don't let me down, Office writers.

PS--The original version of The Office is quite the treat. Ricky Gervais, oh dear God. I'm uncomfortable just thinking about his interpretation of the boss, David Brent. It's like the American Office, only on crack.

2. The Hills. Out with the old and in with the new. Lauren's gone, Kristin has arrived, and all hell is about to break loose. (She's trying to snag Justin Bobby!) My 30-minute elliptical workout flies by when I'm watching--and by watching I mean feeling superior and passing judgment. I think I hate every single person on this show.

3. The City. This show is the tv equivalent of a Little Debbie snack or a Savory Toaster Strudel--so horrible, but absolutely delightful. It actually makes The Hills seem credible. Whitney's vapid New York friends and coworkers (particularly Olivia and Roxy) make Spencer and Heidi look like Gandhi and Bill Gates. Even though I'm a girl whose idea of fashion is a ratty tshirt, jeans, and flip-flops, the artificial glimpse into the fashion world fascinates me. But so do train wrecks.

4. TOP CHEF! What great fun. After a healthy dose of reality tv garbage, it's nice to watch a show where the contestants actually have talent. And this season may be the best yet. It's Vegas, Baby, and the stakes are higher.

Matt and I actually play a game when we watch quality reality television. During the season premiere we pick contestants to root for. Matt has bearded Kevin, weird Ashley who looks like a boy, and Mike, the younger Voltaggio brother. Team Mandy is Jenn the super bitch who is awesome and just might win, Bryan the older Voltaggio brother, and kerchief-wearing Mattin, who has already been eliminated. Dammit! He had a kerchief! I thought for sure he'd be in the final three!

5. The Amazing Race. This show is actually the best reality show on tv, and we pick teams for this one, too. I have done pretty well with picking teams in life; I've thrice picked the winners. THRICE! Matt has the Harlem Globetrotters (and I'm so jealous) and the good-looking blonde soccer-playing couple. I have Justin and Zev (Matt's so jealous) and the older couple who met on the internet. I always pick the older couples.

What are you watching this time of year? Any suggestions?

Brett and Cam = Awesome

Brett and Cam, two guys from Purdue, decided one day that they were going to give out free compliments. They made a sign, and they did just that. They simply stand on a street corner and compliment people. And they've been having so much fun just complimenting people that they're taking it nationwide with the Brightside Tour. It's Brett, Cam, a sign, and oodles of creativity. (And you can read more about them on their blog.)

I, of course, am too caustic and too full of hatred to be able to do this for more than about 3 minutes. What if Jillian Michaels or Sarah Palin or Heidi and Spencer walked by? I'd be at a loss.

But how about this? Next year, when I assign the ninth graders to detention, I should assign them lunch detentions during which they have to stand in the middle of the cafeteria with a sign, complimenting everyone who passes. I bet that'll make them sit down and be quiet! Brilliant!

(picture stolen from the Brightside Tour website)

This is Jeopardy!

Raymond: Course I got Jeopardy! at five o'clock. I watch Jeopardy!
Charlie: Don't start with that, Ray.

It's possible that I married Raymond Babbit, Dustin Hoffman's character from Rain Man. On weekdays Matt must--MUST!--watch Jeopardy!. If he is away from the house and thinks that he forgot to record it, he'll call me and ask me to check the DVR and make sure that it's recording.

Matt's love for Jeopardy! is rooted in his love for trivia (and the superiority he feels when competing against other people in any trivia-related activity). He knows a lot of useless stuff. He even knows the answers to the ballet and opera categories. WTF?

Not surprisingly, Matt owns me in anything trivia-related. I can usually beat him if the question is about: the Olympics, the Bible, or Beverly Hills 90210. One of the greatest moments in my life was when Matt and I were playing '90s Trivial Pursuit, and I ended up getting a shitload of questions about 90210, and they were always for pie. Finally, I received my final question. It, again, was about 90210, and asked what the name of the night club behind the Peach Pit was. Matt didn't think I would know the answer, but then I shouted out "PEACH PIT AFTER DARK!" and began to celebrate. He shook his head in shame, not because he lost the game, but because he was dating someone who was so knowledgable about 90210. Since I've sucked Matt into my world of inane television drama, he now knows the answers to many of the questions I would have monopolized in the past. Like this one:


We've created little games that we play whilst watching Jeopardy!. Back in college, we would play drinking Jeopardy, which was a fun and dangerous game. Basically, each of us would choose a contestant. When our contestant got an answer wrong, we had to drink. When either of the other contestants got an answer right, we had to drink. There was also some form of wagering on Daily Doubles and Final Jeopardy, but I can't remember. Now that we're mature adults who can't get college drunk every night, we no longer play drinking Jeopardy. (But apparently we're not too mature for the Friends drinking game, which has become a staple of our Thanksgiving celebration.)

We still pick contestants, and of course we shout out the answers. One of my favorite--and obnoxious--things to do is to repeat Matt's answers and pretend like I came up with them on my own. Matt will be all, "Stonewall Jackson!" and I'll wait about a half a second and with the same enthusiasm shout, "Stonewall Jackson!" I'll also celebrate when the answer is, indeed, Stonewall Jackson.

By far, though, the best part about watching Jeopardy! is what we do with the final answer. When Alex (with whom Matt has a love/hate relationship) reveals the final category, we try to predict what the answer will be. For example: if the final category is American Authors, Matt and I will select an author. If the author we selected actually ends up being the answer (or really question), then WE WIN IN LIFE. That's right, we win IN LIFE.

It was like Christmas for Matt when we returned home from vacation--7 episodes of Jeopardy! that we could watch back to back. It even ended up being a bit of a self-esteem boost for Chloe and me because the week we were gone Jeopardy! aired Kids Week.

Last night we watched about five episodes of Jeopardy!, and I'm happy to announce that I won in life TWICE! Chloe won in life once, and Matt did not win in life. He seemed disappointed to be the only one who was not winning in life, but maybe this picture of a shirtless Alex will help to ease the pain.

Another Post from Mitch

Hey, you guys. Sorry it's been so long since I've posted, but I've been really busy. I have a friend staying with me for a couple of weeks, so I've been, you know, entertaining. This is a picture of my friend. (He's the one in back, but sometimes I joke with him and tell him that he's a rat dog.) His name is Reilly, and we've been friends for a while now. He's fun most of the time.

Reilly is a little bit crazy. I mean, when I'm by myself I pretty much just eat and lay on the couch, but when Reilly is here it's all go all the time. I mean, Reilly, chill out sometimes! We play chase and take turns chasing each other. It's exhausting, but it's so fun. He used to try to hump me, but he's matured and he doesn't do that anymore. Plus, if he did, I would bite him.

We like to do a lot of the same stuff. We bark at kids who walk by the house, we bark at the mailman, we eat, we sleep on the couch, and we chew bones. We also like to snuggle with my mom and dad.
Here I am making sure there are no kids walking by the house.

I hold my bone while I look out the window. Sometimes being a watchdog makes me want to chew something.

Reilly and I have had to play inside today, since it's raining. Can you see how wet my head is? I hate the rain, and so does Reilly. I think this weekend we are going to rent Hotel for Dogs and watch the finale of The Hills with my mom and dad. Heidi and Spencer are sooooo stupid!

I really like having a dog friend for a while, but it just makes me so happy that I don't have any human brothers or sisters. I'm an only dog.

Idiots.

I accept that this show is fake and horrible and ridiculous. My husband (who, by the way, is a loyal watcher of any Real World/Road Rules challenge) refuses to watch it with me. But it's also AMAZING. I think I really just watch it to feel superior. And it works. Case in point:

On the preview for the next episode of The Hills, Spencer remarks to Heidi that "getting married will save this relationship."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

What's more frustrating is that some people actually believe this. "Maybe if we sign some papers and have a big party and get some new jewelry, then we won't hate each other, cheat on each other, and fight all the time." It's horrible, but that's what we've come to expect from platinum-haired Heidi and her beau with the flesh-colored beard.

And don't even get me started on Audrina and Stephanie. . .