This and That

1.  I have been in a terrible mood today, and for no good reason, either.  Well, one good reason, perhaps.  I have poison ivy all over my face.  If you're thinking to yourself, "Man, Mandy sure does get poison ivy a lot," well then you'd be right.  Hey, universe, I'd like to trade in this intense poison ivy allergy for a seafood allergy.  (I don't even eat seafood.)  The only good thing about having poison ivy all over your face (okay, well two good things because I'm milking it like a sombitch--"Matt, can you get me my glass of wine? I can't because I have poison ivy all over my face.") is that I get to say multiple times a day, "I'M A MONSTER" in my best Buster Bluth voice.



2.  Matt's at bar trivia right now.  I'm not there because I was being such a miserable human being earlier this evening and I didn't think it would be nice to subject people to being around me.  Plus, I went last week and I spent the last 10 minutes (felt like ten hundred!) listening to members of Matt's trivia team (including Matt, even though he maintains that he was only in the argument because of a logical fallacy) debate another trivia team about who would win in a fight, Superman or Batman.  Seriously.  That happened.  I've never felt so cool in all my life.  Matt would like me to tell you that those discussion do not happen every week.  Uh huh.

3.  Listening to my Motown Christmas music Pandora station right this second.  I love Christmas music.  But I always give a thumbs down to anything by Chris Brown because he hits ladies.

4.  Had a dream last night that there was a drive-shooting and I thought Matt was killed except that then it was just a paintball drive-by and I got super mad and yelled at the driver and made him feel awful and then John and Sherry from Young House Love were our next-door neighbors and they came over and helped us fix up our house after the paintball attack.  They're so nice.

5.  We had a monster of a wasp in the house today.  Matt killed it with my shoe.  Well, sort of.  He split it in half and then the front half kept on living and trying to kill us for like five minutes. Then I told Matt that I couldn't even wear that poison shoe anymore and he blamed me.  He said that the wasp was a result of my evil angry mood and that I'd just opened my mouth and it flew out.

Here's to a happy, less swollen Wednesday!

WTF, HomeGoods?

Let me begin this by admitting that I am not the master of home decor. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I hate when things match, and I opt for comfort or function over appearance. My personal style of decorating is "the college dorm room, slightly matured." Another word for it may be garish, or mismatched. If we're using euphemisms we'll say that my style is eclectic. Really it's tacky. But I like tacky and kitschy, so it's fine.

Our living room, for example, looks perfectly respectable at first glance. . . And then you get a closer look. . . Why, is that a picture of Christ painted on black velvet? Yes it is. Is that a framed photo of the Obamas? Our cousins, the Obamas? Yes it is.

See what I mean?

One of the only sources of redemption in my decorating prowess is a good trip to HomeGoods. Often I can find a great deal on some kitchen thing I've been needing [wanting], or I'll get a great deal on a 600-count king sheet set ($40!!!).

It's not all good, though. Tonight's trip reveled some real, uh, treasures.

Oh, HomeGoods. . . Why? (Forgive the quality of the pictures. I was skulking around Home Goods snapping pictures, laughing, and trying to keep from being thrown out of the store.)

Why is there a magenta gargoyle demon? And what is the purpose of said demon?

But it gets worse. Look at this evil elf. It may be hard to tell from the photo, but this fiend is about four feet tall. I also accidentally knocked him over.

Here's a closer look at his face. By the way, this thing cost $100. I think I'd rather just set $100 on fire. Of course, it may be fun to place the elf by the bed of a child. You know, if you were involved in some sort of evil psychological experiment or something.

I'm probably going to have nightmares about this face.

Need a statue of a dog dressed in Christmas attire? HomeGoods is your place.

Need a figurine of a turkey holding onto two Native American mice things? HomeGoods.

Can't figure out how to spend that $15 that's burning a hole in your pocket? Need to buy a gift for someone you hate? At HomeGoods you can find this gorgeous angelic. . .thing.

What really kills me about this stuff is that not only did someone come up with the ideas, but someone else executed those ideas. Someone out there actually created this stuff. They said to themselves, "You know what the world is missing? A sculpture of a French bulldog dressed up for Christmas." And someone is going to buy this shit!

Not me, though. Unless, of course, I have to buy a gift for someone I hate.