The Wheels on the Bus. . .

Today I had the rare privilege* of going on a field trip with hundreds of ninth graders.  It was about as fun as you would imagine a field trip with hundreds of ninth graders to be, especially since we were only going across town to the tech school, so there were no fun zoos or museums to speak of.  The only fun part was when, during the presentation on the early childhood development pathway, I tried to convince a couple of my girls that the robot babies were actually dead babies.  They didn't buy it.  They also didn't believe that the mannequin heads in the cosmetology room were severed heads of fugitives.**  Shoot.

One of the best (and by best I mean, of course, worst) parts of this trip was that I got to ride across town in a school bus. 

I hate riding school buses.

Hate hate hate hate hate.

And do you know why?  (I mean, other than the fact that they smell and don't have good climate control and they're uncomfortable and always chock full of screaming children?) 

I super hate school buses because, when I was in the tenth grade I had to ride the school bus to school.  And I hated it.  It took 45 minutes each way, and there were a bunch of trashy kids on my bus, and it was uncomfortable and loud and too bumpy for me to be able to get my homework done.  So I'd just sit there, bored and miserable.  If I was lucky, I might get to talk to some preppy girl about her newest pair of jeans from Abercrombie. 

Before too long, I realized that the only thing that would make the bus ride bearable would be sleep.  So I took to sleeping on the bus.  And then I took to lying on the seat and sleeping on the bus.  And then, on one fateful day, I took to sleeping a little too hard on the bus--so hard, in fact, that I didn't wake up for my stop.  And I didn't wake up for the next stop, or the next stop after that, either.

I didn't wake up until much later, when I popped my head up, only to realize that I was the only kid on the bus and that the bus was now on the highway.

Oops.

Both I and bus driver were pretty freaked out.  Fortunately--in a very embarrassing twist--the bus was headed to my brother's middle school.  I had to go to the office, call my parents, and get permission to, in my sixteenth year of life, ride the middle school bus home with my kid brother.

It was pretty humiliating. 

And that, my friends, is why I hate school buses.  But, really, doesn't everyone hate school buses?


*The universe hates me.

**This, coupled with the fact that they didn't believe that I was Jesus the other day, makes me think that I'm losing my touch when it comes to lying to children. 

Sweet Valley High--THE GAME!

Will you play with me? I have to find my boyfriend in time for the big date!

Check out those handsome boyfriends.

Bruce Patman, you're like Brandon Walsh and Dylan McKay had a baby. I sure hope I don't get sent to detention!

Has anyone seen my biking outfit? Oh, there it is!

Each player assumes the role of one of the Sweet Valley characters. I've always fancied myself a hybrid of Jessica and Elizabeth. You know, smart but fun. And, of course, a perfect size six. (By the way, the more modern Sweet Valley books describe the Wakefield girls as being a "perfect size four." That's effed up.)

Can't resist sharing these situation cards with you.

How did we ever grow up to be well-adjusted adults after playing this shit?

Jessica's a whore.

What kind of fight was this? A fist fight? Arm wrestling? Jousting? Knowing Lila, it started out with some passive aggression and ended with a screaming match. Go Enid!

Winston? Who the hell is Winston? And I'm pretty sure that if your last name is Egbert then you are automatically the nerd.

Yep. And also a pedophile, since Winston appears to be at least 45 years old.

Classic Sweet Valley situation. THIS is the reason I wanted to be a twin. What antics!

Was the rumor that Enid had an STD? How did it backfire? Is this situation related to the earlier fight over boyfriends? Does Enid have a STD? Does Lila?

At least Lila doesn't have to put back a boyfriend. She needs to get him in time for the big date!

Come to my house. We'll play some Sweet Valley board game, and then move on to Friends Scene It! I'll make cookies.

Sweet Valley High--THE MOVIE!

Did you read the Sweet Valley books as a kid (or as a teenager, or yesterday)? I devoured them, captivated by the fantasy of being a twin, of being blonde and beautiful, of living a glamorous life in California. I remember being in third grade, discussing plans for the future with one of my friends: "Well, I'm going to have twin girls, and I'll name them Jessica and Elizabeth." There was nothing cooler (until, of course, 90210 came along) than the Wakefield twins.

I had two favorite Sweet Valley Twins books, the one where the girls skip school to see a TV star (Playing Hooky), and the one where all of the girls attend a sham charm school run by con artists (The Charm School Mystery). I read each of them over and over again.

I even own the Sweet Valley High board game (I also own the Family Ties board game, and Friends Scene It!), the same one I played at a slumber party when I was eight.

The details of the game deserve their own post. It's a blast from the past. But here's a sneak peek. Yes, it says, "Can you find your boyfriend in time for the big date?"
As the twins got older and attended high school, the content got more racy. It was awesome.

Imagine my excitement, then, when last night I read in Entertainment Weekly that Diablo Cody (who wrote the screenplay for Juno) is working on a Sweet Valley High movie.

I'll be there on opening night, wearing purple. I am, after all, an honorary Unicorn.

Time to teach this turkey how to jive!

Remember that time that I boasted about how I would beat Matt at the new Punch Out for the Wii? I didn't realize what I was getting myself into with that claim. I forgot that my husband was once a video game-obsessed adolescent.

I forgot that during that time he spent hours upon hours playing this game, memorizing every secret and trick, perfecting his form and rhythm.

I must've been playing with Barbies or fighting with my friends or talking on the phone. My brother and I did spend many hours playing the original Mike Tyson's Punch Out, but I didn't sear every part of the game into my memory, and I'm not sure that I ever cared as much as Matt did. I think it's a gender thing. Plus, my memory's getting kind of crappy these days.

Matt kicked my ass. He owns me in this game, and I don't know that I'll ever have the coordination, drive, or tolerance to get to the point where I'll beat him. But I'm up for the challenge.

Here to provide a quick review of the game is Matt, boxing extraordinaire:

This game is way more fun than it should be. I think the reason is that it may be the perfect juxtaposition of technology and nostalgia. I honestly believe that if some time traveler had walked into my house and given me this game when I was 9 and playing the original Punch Out I would have passed out. It is a lot harder than the original Punch Out, both because of the changes they have made in the competition and because pushing a and b is simpler than punching with two hands while pressing like six different buttons. I would never actually recommend anyone buy this game because I think its appeal is probably limited to me and a handful of people like me. Anyone can have some amount of fun with it, but for me and those of my specific age and gender group, it actually evokes powerful memories that cause me to stay up way too late fake punching people on my TV.