I'm Baaaack! And Also, a Loser.

Hola, comrades.*  I have missed you so!

This post is going to be short because I'm still kind of wiped out, yet have an urge to get on the elliptical.  And since those urges are so few and far between, I should take advantage.  Plus, I haven't seen 90210 in days!  Days!

Stay tuned for a more thorough recap, but here are the high points.

1. I do not like to fly.  Not because of fear so much, but because of discomfort.  I would like a plane with a king sized bed, a cute dog, many pillows, and a down comforter.  Can we make that happen?  Do I have to become president first?
2. San Diego Zoo = amazing.
3. Totally lost the competition, but it was still way more fun that I thought it would be.  More on that later.
4. I'm a little bit smitten with San Diego and its weather.  Every day I was there was like a perfect Savannah October day.  Perfect Savannah October days are my favorite, and I was much more impressed with the town than I expected.  Also, I saw an old couple holding hands and roller blading!
5. Ate at Brian Malarkey's restaurant, Searsucker.  You might remember Brian from season 3 of Top Chef, you know, where he was handsome and charming and cooked amazing food.  I didn't realize until much later that we were at his restaurant, which is probably for the best because otherwise I might have completely lost my shit when he was standing right next to our table talking to people and I was all, "Huh.  That guy looks really familiar."  It was delicious, as you would expect.  I ate a giant hunk of pork with bacon emulsion.  Bacon emulsion is basically bacon butter.  I think I would like it on toast.  Or an apple.

Richard Blais and Brian Malarkey!

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With that, I'm off to ellipt and then participate in a family snuggle nap.  Did you just puke in your mouth a little?  Yeah, ellipting is gross.

*Not a communist, Michelle Bachman.

Schwinnnnng!

I mentioned before that Matt and I recently purchased a new elliptical trainer.  And, for those of you who are counting, this is our third elliptical.

The good news is that we actually use our home exercise equipment.  (Well, Matt does, anyway.)

The bad news is that we are so grossly fat that we break all of our home exercise equipment.  (Well, I am, anyway.)

Our former elliptical had gotten to the point where it squeaked and thumped and clicked and scraped and was so incredibly loud that I couldn't even be in the room when Matt was ellipting, much less get on it myself.  I would get on for like 15 seconds, and then become irate and frustrated, and then I'd spend the next hour trying to figure out how to stop the noises.  I had some small successes, but more failures--most of which culminated in me kicking the machine and shouting obscenities.

We needed a new one.  And I looked on Craigslist (where we'd gotten the previous two), but didn't see anything too promising.  Plus, it seemed that we needed a machine with a warranty.

So we researched and read up and checked out Consumer Reports.  And we ended up here, drooling over the Schwinn 430.

Four and a half stars with 518 reviewers!  Shoot yeah!  We talked it over for a day or two, and then decided that it was a good investment.  You know, for health and stuff.

And after some headaches with the transit company (What?  They just forgot to put it in the truck???), we had it at home and Cassie and I put it together.

Along with the alan wrench, we had two very important tools: a knife and some wine.  It's common knowledge that when putting together exercise equipment, one will have much more success if he is drinking wine.  Also, I'm pretty sure that that's in the book of Proverbs.  THE BIBLE, people!

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the elliptical.  We totes got that thing together in two hours.  It might not have taken so long had one of our tools not been wine, but it would have been much less fun, too.  Plus, we told Matt that we put it together in 38 minutes.  Pfffffffffft.

Anyway, the new elliptical is out of control wonderful.  It's smooth and silent and smart and has a smaller footprint than the old clunky one.  And it has a warranty in case we break it.  And now I love to ellipt again, and I can do it whilst watching one of the best shows of all time.

Oh, Dylan.

(Ummmmm, Kelly totes just got shot, y'all.  And Brandon was so precise in describing the shooter to the detective and the detective was all, "Are you sure about this?" and Brandon was all, "Yes, I'm positive.  And I'll tell you something else.  You put him in front of me, and I'll kill him."  All this after the gang returned from Donna's Hawaiian work trip where she completely ruined the modeling shoot and David fell down a cliff when he was trying to tie his hiking boot!  AND!  They were all wearing these hideous long pastel dresses.  The gals from Beverly Hills were looking more like the women from Juniper Creek to me.)

The best part of the new elliptical, though, is that it has a feature that allows me to see into the future.

I see. . .





. . .in about two months. . . .







. . .Matt at the beach. . .

. . .and me, too!

This thing is magical!

RIBS!

A few things to share on this fine Thursday morning.

1.  Went outside for like 2 seconds the other night and got approximately 37 mosquito bites.  Now I keep scratching my arms, and I'm afraid that people think that I'm a meth addict.  

2.  New elliptical is kind of amazing.  Now, I got home from school today and was all ready to go ellipt, to get back on the ol' fitness train.  But then I started to feel really tired, so before ellipting I took a little Brothers & Sisters nap.  Didn't wake up from that nap until 10:00.  Hmph.  In the meantime, Matt ellipted for like three hours.  Right next to me.  So, the bad news is that I continue to be a lazy sloth; the good news is that the new elliptical is so quiet that I can take a coma nap while Matt ellipts for three hours right next to me.

3.  Norm MacDonald has a new show on Comedy Central that is basically just his Weekend Update but with sports.  I really don't care about sports at all, but I love me some Norm, and the show is really, really funny.  You might need to watch it.

Sports Show with Norm Macdonald	Tuesdays, 10:30/9:30c
What the H – Athletes Dating Reality TV Stars
www.comedycentral.com
Sports Show Norm Macdonald #SportsShow

Anyway, that's enough rambling.  Now on to the ribs!

I always thought, for some silly reason, that it would be hard to make ribs.  It is not hard to make ribs.  In fact, they're absurdly easy.

Now, they are time consuming.  Yes, you've got to really be thinking ahead and to have delicious ribs in time for dinner, but there's very little hands-on time and the difficulty level is low.  Like, Mitch made our last batch.

First you make some dry rub (recipe below) and rub it generously all over a big hunk o' ribs.  (These are pork ribs, by the way.  Sometimes I feel guilty about eating pork because of Charlotte's Web, but this week I've been reading Animal Farm, so I'm all about some pork right now.  Glue, however. . .  Poor Boxer.)

And then you put those ribs in the oven at about 275 degrees for, oh, five hours or so.  When they have reached your desired tenderness, take them out and finish them off on the grill.  Grill on high for 5-10 minutes, just long enough to slap on some barbecue sauce and to soak in some of that tasty grill flavor.

Serve with extra sauce and buttery corn on the cob*.  Or whatever strikes your fancy.

And eat up.  And get sauce all over your face.  

Dry Rub for Ribs Recipe (adapted from this one)

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 1/2 tablespoons paprika
• 1 1/2 tablespoons salt
• 1 1/2 tablespoons ground black pepper
• 1 teaspoon cayenne
• 1 teaspoon crushed red pepper
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder

*I wanted to have corn on the cob at our wedding.  Matt vetoed that idea because it was logistically tough, and because our wedding was already becoming "a little too county fair."  He wouldn't let me have a moonbounce, either.  Probably for the best.

Dogs and Chevys

Guess it's time to buy a truck.



Sorry about the silence around these parts.  It's back to work, back to routine, and back to wearing heels.  My feet hurt and I'm tired and I don't want to ellipt even though it'll make me feel better. 

The good news is that there's a good chance that we are going to win 330 million tonight, so I'll be able to get some more comfortable heels and some liposuction.

Real Passive Aggressive

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Today was one of those super productive Maniacal Mandy kinds of days.  I started what will be my biggest summer project, doing something about the disgusting floor in our sunroom.  I worked on that until my body hurt too much to do it anymore (I have a big blood blister on my finger and am not sure I'll be in any shape to walk or squat tomorrow).  I also knocked off another item from my summer to-do list when I opened and filed all of the mail.  I hate filing the mail. What a tedious and miserable task!  (But it's amazing when the mail is filed and organized!)

While filing the mail, I came across about three different letters from my friends at Real Simple, reminding me to renew my subscription.  Here's the thing.  We subscribe to like seven magazines, and I never really know when I need to renew the subscriptions.  It's hard to know, too, when I actually need to renew because the magazine people are always trying to scare me into renewing like eleven months before I actually need to do so.  Most of the time, the letters from the magazines don't get opened until it's the semi-annual mail filing day (or until Matt has to suffer through a Friday without getting to read the newest issue of Entertainment Weekly). 

So today I opened a letter from the Real Simple folks.  Here's what it said (emphasis mine):

. . .Your subscription payment is 90 days PAST DUE, and we've had to suspend delivery.  This is one more reason you need REAL SIMPLE.  Each issue gives you time-saving solutions for everyday tasks, like how to pay your bills on time.  Please take a moment to return the top portion of this statement along with your payment. . .

Okay, Real Simple.  Fine.  Our credit card numbers changed and so you couldn't automatically charge me.  But why so condescending!?  Perhaps the next issue could have a feature about how you can catch more flies with honey.

(But I'll still renew, because I love that magazine, even if they can be bitchy.)

More Birthdays

Birthday wishes to two of my favorite girls: Opal (2) and the birth control pill (50!). 

Things here are both uneventful and busy.  My days lately have consisted of avoiding unpleasant household chores, baking, ellipting so that I can eat all of the baked goods, and watching Breaking Bad.  I need two productive days to get me back on top of things.  And then I can return to my slothful ways.

Twenty-eight more days with my darling ninth graders.  Hey, isn't that the same amount of time that people often spend in rehab?  Or does it have something to do with zombies?  I have a feeling I'll meet one of those outcomes by June 11. 

Okay, I now have two hours to bake some cookies, ellipt, shower, and fold all of the laundry in the house.  Want to take bets on how many of those tasks I'll actually complete?

 

Pizza Pizza

Here's what I got today with the coupon I earned from ellipting.

Damn you, school with a Papa John's pizza line in the cafeteria!

And I hate Jillian Michaels right back.

Tonight, while waiting for Matt to get home from his weekend at the spa, I decided I had enough time to shred before he came home. And in a flash of genius I decided that I was ready for level 2. I was NOT ready for level 2. I am writing this from beyond the grave.

Of course I didn't actually die, but I felt like I might. Look how red my face was!

And if you're wondering if I'm using this post to announce to the world that I am pregnant, I am not. I am not pregnant, unless you can be pregnant with hot dogs and cupcakes and wine.

Anyway, the shred was anything but an enjoyable experience, and I again feel like I may vomit. This is my "Stay the hell away from me, Jillian Michaels, or I'll hurt you in a knife fight" look.

I think I'll be sticking with level 1 for a bit longer.