Video Therapy

The days leading up to Christmas break can be a little wild, and sometimes I begin to wonder about the direction my life has taken, you know, when I utter sentences like, "Stop hitting him with that Slim Jim" or when I have to insist that there was nothing racial in my request that a student put away his box of Chicken in a Biscuit* crackers. This break is going to be much-deserved, methinks.

And since my brain has pretty much been fried, and I've spent much of the last few weeks being pissed off or frustrated (But not this week. This week is going swimmingly. Don't mess with me, universe!), I've resorted to a few little comfort tactics to keep myself sane. One of these tactics involves food (I know you're really surprised about that), but since I saw that I'd put on five pounds last month**, I'm working to scale that strategy back.

One of my other favorite tactics is great because it makes me smile without taking up too much time. I like to watch favorite scenes from movies and tv shows or music videos. They provide a little pick-me-up (since margaritas are out for the time being) and lighten my mood. And I wanted to share some of these scenes with you. So, without further ado, here they are.

1. Love Actually cute guy with signs. This is how Matt and I ended up getting together. Except not. But for now, let's just pretend. (And while you're at it, go watch Hugh Grant dancing, too.)



2. Buddy the Elf. Pretty much all of Elf is my favorite, but I'm only putting this one because I love the song so much.



3. The final scene from Dirty Dancing. I particularly enjoy the part where Johnny squints his eyes and mouths the words "And I owe it all to you" to Baby.  I also really love when he jumps off the stage in the most manly of ways.

4. C-Lo Green's "Fuck You." Why is it that I'm so unhip that I didn't know about this song until Tanya put it on a car CD that I demanded she burn for me? And why did it take me listening to the song approximately 30 times before I realized what he was saying? Grandma, you might even like this one. It's awfully catchy.



5. The final scene from Slumdog Millionaire. One of my students asked me the other day if I was going to name the baby Jamal, and I actually considered it, you know, with the hope that our spawn would be as sweet and delightful as Jamal from the movie.

6. Cool Hand Luke eats 50 eggs. This is kind of gross, but mostly just awesome.

7.  Wet Hot American Summer's big secret pizza party.  Always made me want to be a camp counselor and wear cutoff jean shorts.




8.  Don Draper says "What?"  So much handsome I can hardly stand it.



9. Run Forrest, Run.  Love that kid's face.



10. All things Coach Taylor.  I want to see him in a handsome-off with Don Draper.



11. Top Gun. I almost put the volleyball scene here, but this one's better. That's right. I am dangerous.



Those are just a few of my favorites.  What am I missing?



*Those crackers are so disgusting and so delicious at the same time. I should have confiscated them!


**Upon reflection, I've realized that I really did spend the entire month being cocky and gluttonous, and it turns out that it wasn't consequence-free. Who knew? PLUS, I was wearing shoes instead of flip-flops, and when I went home and weighed them on my food scale, they weighed over a pound! So I only gained 4 lbs. Plus, I'm sure the baby has gained like three pounds in the last month, so I only gained one pound. Plus, I'm pretty sure it was a full moon and there was more of a gravitational pull, so that would account for another 2. So, really, I lost a pound. Right? Right? It's amazing that I was able to eat so much last month and still lose a pound.

You Need Help, Here I am.

Happy birthday to the Civil War!

Also, I don't really care.*

The only thing that this makes me want to do is say, "You need help, here I am" in that Renee Zellweger voice from Cold Mountain.  I've never even seen Cold Mountain, but I laugh because I remember Letterman having that sound byte on a button that he'd push.  Then he'd laugh that awesome Letterman laugh and it would make my heart happy.  Unfortunately, I couldn't find a clip of Letterman playing the byte, but here's the Cold Mountain trailer.  She says it around 1:30.



 *I'm going to go ahead and say I've suffered from Civil War overload, what with having lived in Maryland, the Shenandoah Valley, and now Savannah.  Civil War, schmival war.  Yeah, yeah, guns and hats and gray and blue and blah blah valley mountain blah.  This ambivalence probably makes me a bad American.  But not as bad of an American as the Confederates were!  Ha!

Love and Marriage

[A conversation that took place when we walked into the living room, only to find Mitch watching Hotel for Dogs on HBO.]

 

Me: Wait, is that that Don guy?

Matt: Cheadle?

Me:  Yeah, him.  What's he doing in Hotel for Dogs?

Matt:  Well, he was in Hotel Rwanda.  It just makes sense.

I Will Always Be with You.

So here's why today was awesome.  I got a crapload of work done at school today (including dragging a cart with 600 lbs. of books across campus, sweating like a sweaty pig girl), I went to lunch with two super fun and sassy coworkers, I got my second pair of perfect trousers from Gap using my 40% off coupon, I checked out The Beatles' White Album from the library (and absolutely DID NOT load it onto my computer so that I can burn copies to listen to it in my car**), I got to go to Publix, I cleaned the shit out of our house, my phone (the one I broke with my tears) started working again after being buried in a Ziploc bag full of rice, I talked to Grandma Carol (love you, Grandma!), Cassie brought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers (in JMU colors!), we ate BBQ chicken and pineapple quesadillas, I indulged in a few glasses of wine, and. . .I remembered the idea that Tanya and I had years ago, the idea that will likely earn us millions.

Here's how it all started.   Cassie was over for dinner, and after we ate, we sat around the kitchen table, just a talkin' and a laughin' away.  Somehow the topic of what we wanted done with our bodies after we died came up, and we all agreed that we wanted to donate our bodies to science.  But apparently, when you donate your body to science, the science folk cut up your body and look at it and stuff, but then when they're done dissecting you, they cremate you.  So we're stuck, then, with what to do with the ashes. 

So what to do with the ashes?  I initially suggested having a serial killer stick my ashes to a wall with his saliva, and to have his victims point to the ashes, but that seems really complicated and hard to orchestrate post-mortem (plus, I'm pretty sure it's been done before on some TV show).  Matt suggested putting his ashes in a coffee can and dumping them in the Pacific, a la, The Big Lebowski (a movie that I have watched in short segments over the course of eight years, and when I finally finished it I was all "Seriously, Matt?  That's your favorite movie in the world?***), which I think means that he wants someone else to stand there while his ashes blow into their face.  Cassie said that she wanted her ashes spread from some mountain in Italy, the highest point in Cinque Terre, where she and Hugh honeymooned.  She added that she wanted some of them thrown in the direction of the beach, so that the sunbathers would be coated with a little bit o'**** Cassie.  (Would that mean that they would suddenly find themselves able to cook delicious meals and arrange flowers beautifully?) 

And then I remembered. . .ASH PACKETS.

When Tanya and I were in high school, we were pretty innovative.  One night, we came up with the best idea of all time (well, second or third best--after the invention of wine and making dogs be pets).  Ash packets.  What are Ash Packets, you ask?  Well, here's what happens.  You die.  You get cremated.  Your ashes get distributed in packages similar to those that house the famed moist towelette (or wet nap, for those of us who are less fancy).  AND THEN, your Ash Packets can be distributed as favors at your funeral. 

And you know how your sense of smell is connected with your memory (like how I can smell Bath and Body Works' Creamy Coconut and immediately think of spring break '02)?  Well, for an extra fee, you can make your Ash Packet scratch-'n-sniff.  Did you always wear Clinique Happy?  Well, your Ash Packet can smell like that, and when your friends and family hold that little bit o' you, they'll smell you, too! 

For another small fee, you can add a little voice recorder chip.  (Now, this would require a little bit o' pre-planning, because, obviously, you'd have to record this before death.)  The clip could say something creepy like, "I will always be with you" or they could say something funny like, "BANANAS!"

And, people could collect Ash Packets.  You could have a whole wallet full o' them.  It would be like how you collected senior pictures senior year, or, if you chose, you could have one of those shelves that people have for shot glasses with the little individual spotlights.

I think it's a million dollar idea.  What do you think?  (For the record, Matt and Cassie both thought it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea.)

**By the way, if I were to have a soundtrack of my senior year of high school, it would basically just be The Beatles' White Album.  Tanya and I would listen to it over and over again.  Our favorite song (well, her favorite song that quickly became my favorite song) was "Why Don't We Do It In the Road?". When Tanya and I made lists of the top ten qualities that we we looking for in a future husband, she listed, "A willingness to do it in the road."  I love Tanya.

***It's not his favorite movie.  It's one of his favorite movies.

****I am either feeling very Irish, or am having a craving for a Bit O' Honey.

More Ranting about Avatar

When the Golden Globes aired last week, Matty and I were enjoying our last night in tropical paradise, and I was forcing myself to puke after having eaten too much bar food. (Not a new diet, just a negative consequence of being a fatass.)

At least, I thought I puked because of the nachos, wings, burger, margaritas, and chocolate cheesecake. . .

Perhaps, though, my body sensed what was about the happen during the awards show. F'ing Avatar and its pain in the ass creator won best picture. Really, Golden Globe voting people? Really? Best picture?

What really made the puking commence, though, was probably James Cameron speaking in Na'vi.
I didn't even watch the awards show, and it sickens me. In fact, I might puke again. Damn you, psychic stomach full of junk food! Damn you James Cameron, you crazy bastard!

Anyway, a few weeks back, Matt's buddy Drew sent us a link to a HILARIOUS article about Avatar. Now, I don't yet have it translated into Na'vi, but hopefully you'll retain your English skills for a bit longer. The article discusses how many moviegoers slipped into deep depression after watching Avatar, because life on earth just can't compare to the beauty of life on Pandora. Seriously, that's what it's about.

Here are some of my favorite excerpts:

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "

"One can say my depression was twofold: I was depressed because I really wanted to live in Pandora, which seemed like such a perfect place, but I was also depressed and disgusted with the sight of our world, what we have done to Earth. I so much wanted to escape reality."

Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like playing "Avatar" video games or downloading the movie soundtrack, in addition to encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities.

Discuss. Did you experience negative or suicidal feelings after watching Avatar? Were they because of how bad the movie was, or because your dream to live on Pandora will never come to fruition? Have you downloaded the Avatar sountrack or joined a support group to cope with these feelings? Will you ever rebound?

Talk amongst yourselves.

(p.s. I wrote this entire post from bed. I love the new computer!)

More on Avatar

The more I think about Avatar, the more I hate it. And the Filmspotting boys agree. Thank you, Adam and Matty!

Avatar: pretty but dumb--super dumb--like many people I've met.

Dances with Pterodactyls

Yesterday I joined Matt and Collin for Movie Monday. We went to see Avatar. I was torn about whether or not I wanted to go because I've been feeling blah ever since I got that damned Swine Flu vaccine, because the movie is seven hours long, and because I thought I might rather spend the $13 on a sweater from Gap.

But, in a lapse of judgment, I went.

The best thing about Avatar was how it looked. It was gorgeous and shiny and bright. I can't wait to go on the ride at Universal Studios (would they have the rights to it?).

But the story was. . .lacking. Let me rephrase that. It was a good story, just one that's been done many times before. About halfway through, I started singing that song from Pocahontas (. . .have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon. . .can you paint with all the colors of the wind. . .) to myself. Avatar was all "love the earth," "be good to the earth," "love your fellow man," "don't be mean to the natives," "just because they have something you want doesn't mean they're your enemy." I get it. Good lessons, and all things I believe. A little subtlety would've been nice, though.

When I commented to Matt that we were watching "Pocahontas with computers," he one-upped me. "Dances with Wolves with computers," he said. Dammit! I hate it when Matt wins!

The movie-going experience got much worse when, about six hours in, during the most climactic part, I had to pee like a pregnant racehorse. This was the second time I'd had to pee during the film.

Note to self: don't drink the entire $32 five-gallon bucket of Diet Coke.

So I got up and began the trek down the stairs. I had my phone in my hand (maybe I had checked Facebook during the movie?) and was going to put it in my back pocket. But then I thought that I didn't want the phone to fall on the floor in the bathroom, so I decided to put it in my coat pocket. But I missed, and dropped my phone on the floor, and heard pieces go everywhere, namely, under the seat of a guy I didn't know.

So there I was, on my hands and knees, trying to reach under some random guy's chair for my phone during the film's climax. I found it only after a few humiliating minutes.

Final verdict: pretty but too didactic. Seen that story before. Should've gone to Gap.

Matt's Movie Review: District 9 and The Worst Movies I've Seen So Far

Today Collin and I saw District 9, the new sci-fi movie from first time director Neill Blomkamp and producer Peter Jackson. The film's premise is fascinating. 20 years ago an enormous spaceship arrived on Earth and coasted to a stop hovering right over Johannesburg, South Africa. Then, nothing happened for a while. Eventually the South African authorities decided to cut open the spaceship and see what was inside. What they found were about a million aliens who were leaderless, malnourished, and revolting. They were transformed to a temporary relocation camp which eventually became a permanent fenced slum. The aliens, derogatorily referred to as prawns, live in filth, are discriminated against and widely reviled, and are preyed upon by a gang of Nigerian criminals that exploit their addiction to a certain substance.

As the film begins, the aliens are about to be moved into something closer to a concentration camp by MNU, a giant multinational corporation with a sizable military wing (think Haliburton with a dose of Blackwater). This sets the stage for a scathing political allegory about man's inhumanity to those it considers the other (it is no coincidence that the film is set in Johannesburg, where there was a giant slum during apartheid known as district 6).

Unfortunately, after the initial brilliant setup, at some point the film becomes a rather cliched and almost dull summer action movie. While still at times entertaining and often visually stunning (the CGI is fantastic), the story seems thrown together, with the main character just happening to end up where the story needs him to end up. All in all, I feel that the last half to two thirds of the movie simply don't do justice to the brilliant opening and the brilliant concept. I think there are enough interesting elements to the movie to recommend it, but ultimately it falls somewhere short of its initial promise.

Worst movies of the year so far:

3. Duplicity

Duplicity should have been great. It was directed by Tony Gilroy, who directed the tremendous film Michael Clayton. The cast is stellar: Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Paul Giamatti, and Tom Wilkinson. The concept of a high stakes con movie combined with a screwball romantic comedy sounded interesting. Unfortunately for whatever reason it just didn't come together. I am including it in part for Mandy, who truly hated it.

2. Friday the 13th

I know, I know, I shouldn't expect much from slasher flicks. But this one was truly awful. It was a long exercise in watching an uninteresting killer come up with increasingly uninteresting ways to kill even more uninteresing victims. I cared about absolutely no one in this movie except for the funny Asian stoner kid, and he gets killed about halfway through. Just awful.

1. Terminator: Salvation

I dealt with this extensively in an earlier post. Probably not technically as bad as Friday the 13th but more egregious given how cool it potentially could have been.

Finally, it's time for the Daddy Day Camp award. This most coveted bad movie award goes annually to a movie that I don't even see, but grow to hate after I suffer through its trailer multiple times. This year's Daddy Day Camp award goes to--drumroll--The Time Traveler's Wife. (It narrowly beat out GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.) You would have to strap me in a chair and pry my eyes open a la Alex from A Clockwork Orange to get me to watch this thing. If any of you have seen it or any of these other flicks and want to defend them or pile on, leave us a comment.