Slackass.

Okay, so I've been a real slackass lately with the blog.  And with everything else in my life.

Why?  Am I sick?  Am I depressed?  Are Matt and I on the verge of divorce?  Has our internet been out?  Was I bitten by a brown recluse? No, no, no (but he has made me wake up from naps three times this week which is making me consider it), no, and no*.  

Nope.  Just lazy, and unmotivated to do anything but play Mario 3, watch Mad Men, watch Friday Night Lights, eat Hershey's nuggets (damn you, Publix, and your buy one get one free temptations!) and snuggle with the dog.  Oh, and nap.  I've been very motivated to nap.  Last night I took a 6-hour nap.  Yep, Matt was at work (so he couldn't wake me up.  HA!) and I slept from 6:00 until midnight.  It was. . .amazing.**

Just wanted to check in and say what's up.  We've got a fun and relaxing weekend planned, and maybe--just maybe--I'll be able to muster up the energy and motivation to get some stuff done around this joint and then share it with you.  At minimum, I'll post pictures of me lying on the guest bed, playing Mario 3*** and eating chocolates.  Clearly, thirty has been good to me so far.

What have y'all**** been up to?

P.S.--I actually wrote this during lunch, and in the meantime had a work episode that is making my blood boil.  Can't say anything about it here, but I'm suddenly feeling a surge of energy.  Golly, maybe I need to be angry more often!  I'll be super productive then!

*But I do have a really bad mosquito bite.  Can I blame my vegetable state on this?

**And don't even think about going and getting yourself all hot and bothered thinking that I'm with child.  Because I'm not.  

***Send me all of the secrets you remember or find about Mario 3.  I mean, I'm good and all, but it's been like 20 years (ACK!  I can even pull that "20 years" bull jive out and use it for real!) and I don't remember everything.

****How do you feel about y'all?  Love it or hate it?  I love it because I think the English language needs a word like it.  (Spanish has one, after all.)  I also love split infinitives, though.  And excessive parentheses and exclamation points.  And fragments, apparently.

Moment of Realization

[source]

So, at around 9:00 tonight I was walking into my local Target, because that's what I do and because I needed some boring household items and the new David Sedaris book.  On this particular Saturday night, Target was hoppin' moreso than usual.  There were about 10-15 people waiting outside the store, talking and socializing, and the parking lot was about half full.

Walking toward the store, I encountered a guy, about 55-60 years old.  He didn't look crazy or homeless or like a serial killer--or what I think a serial killer should look like (damn you, Trinity, for f'ing with my notions about what serial killers look like).  Our exchange went something like this:

Guy [confused]: What's going on?
Me: What do you mean what's going on?
Guy: It's nine o' clock, right?
Me: Oh, you mean because it's so busy?  Eh, that's just 'cause it's Saturday.
Guy [pointing at sky]: It's. . .dark outside.
Me: Yeah.  It's nine o' clock.
[guy pauses for a few seconds and then his eyes widen]
Guy: Oh no!  Don't tell me it's nine o' clock AT NIGHT!
Me: Yeah, it's nine o' clock at night.
Guy: Oh dear.  I just slept fourteen hours without realizing it.

Poor guy was all out of sorts.  That must've been one hell of a coma nap.

Cold Front

There seems to be a cold front moving through the SAV.  Now, I don't really know anything about weather (except that a tropical storm becomes a hurricane when it has 75 mph winds), and I usually don't care all that much.  And I really don't understand all that high pressure/low pressure jibba jabba.  Anyway, this is a cold front, I've decided, because finally it's cooler than 90 degrees outside.
 
Shoot, it was so cool today (uh, 87 or so) that I had to find my Snuggie at naptime.  (You probably think that's a lie.  It is not a lie.)  And I'm not the only one who's chilly.  Look who I found out at the Carport Bistro!

It's Linus!  Linus the Lizard!

This isn't the first time lizards have found solace in the warm glow of the bistro's lanterns.  Last October I met Leopold, Linus's great uncle. 

But I think Linus is cuter.

Shalom Y'all

One reason that I was excited to marry Matt was because I would get to change my name to a name that sounded Jewish. I had this fantasy that I would pretend to be Jewish, and then take off work on all of the Jewish holidays (which is really just a reincarnation of a Saved by the Bell plot, I believe).

To celebrate my fake Jewish heritage, then, I began to embrace all things Jewish.

To nobody's surprise, I began with food. My former roommate Cris and I became big fans of Savannah's Jewish Food Festival, appropriately titled the Shalom Y'all festival. I'm not joking. That's really the name. They sell tshirts, even.


The festival was this weekend, so I joined Cris and friends to enjoy a beautiful afternoon in Forsyth Park, and to feast on Jewish delicacies. Adventurous eater that I am, I inhaled a footlong hot dog. It was. . .amazing.

And I picked up some kosher dog treats for the pup.

A few years ago, when Cris and I attended the festival, I picked up this literary masterpiece. Noshy Boy. It's Jewish didactic children's literature at its finest. I'm obsessed with this book, and if more people knew about Noshy Boy, I'd be him for Halloween.

Nosh: (verb) to snack

Noshy Boy has a very similar plot to one of my other favorites, The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Noshy Boy loves to snack, and he snacks himself fat. He learns, through the course of the work, to enjoy healthier foods and snacks only in moderation. It's a coming of age piece, really. A real bildungsroman.

I think I had this happen to me once. . .

Well, today I picked up another in the series, Shluffy Girl.

Shluffy (adjective) sleepy, tired

Shluffy Girl has her own vice: sleeping too much. "Nap time is Shluffy Girl's favorite time of the day. But for Shluffy Girl, nap time is almost all the time." Shluffy Girl sleeps all the time, and it begins to cause problems. . .

She falls asleep on the bus and misses her stop.

[Hot damn, if this didn't happen to me when I was in the tenth grade! I fell asleep lying down in the seat, missed my stop, and woke up going down the highway. It was a debacle, a horribly embarrassing experience. As we learned a few weeks ago on 60 Minutes, this also happened to Andy Rooney. You know something's seriously wrong with you when you start having stuff in common with Andy Rooney.]

Eventually, Shluffy Girl learns to find a balance between life and her true love, sleep.

I feel like I've met her somewhere.

Oh dammit.

Oh No Dey Ditn't!

This afternoon I settled in with Mitchell Pancake for one of our famous couch naps. Before finally falling asleep, I was flipping channels between Hardball and Mystic Pizza and Gilmore Girls, showing my true ADD self before the quick onset of my narcolepsy.

(During my glory days at JMU, one of my roommates, Paxton--also Paxton, creator of incredible Halloween decor--was narcoleptic. I know that technically narcolepsy isn't contagious, but I'm pretty sure that I caught it from him.)

Anyway, back to this afternoon.

Forgive me if I'm behind the times a bit on this one; we never watch commercials because we've spoiled ourselves with DVR, the greatest invention of the century. But today I was too lazy even to reach for the remote, so I suffered through the commercials. Not only will I now have the "Free Credit Report Dot Com" commercial in my head for the next two months, but I caught something that I found truly shocking.

WATCH THIS COMMERCIAL FOR THE SCHICK QUATTRO TRIM RAZOR. WATCH IT NOW.

I had to rewind it to make sure that I was actually seeing what I thought I was seeing, and then I called Matt into the room to watch it, too (and probably to bring me a glass of water and a cupcake and a pillow--I'm really needy when it's naptime). His response: "Oh No Dey Ditn't."

A few minutes later, I was asleep. I woke up almost two hours later to the smell of the dinner Matt was preparing, and he brought me a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. I then proceeded to eat them, still on the couch, still lying down.

I love my life.

Coma Naps

Today I had a terrifying experience. I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing at 7:35 (I have to be at school by 7:30 a.m.). I panicked, jumped out of bed, and began to get ready for school. Of course, I woke up at 7:35 p.m., and I was just coming out of one of my famous coma naps.

The coma nap is one of my favorite things to do. I'm a good sleeper, and I sleep best between the hours of 3-10 p.m.

And let's not forget, people, that we're in a recession. Naps are free!

My coma naps usually go something like this: I get home from school around 3:00, tired.

And then I look at Mitch and see that he is also tired. (We are E.T. and Elliot.)

Then we lay down in the bed for a snuggle nap. First Mitch has to retrieve a bone he's buried somewhere in my bed.

And then we sleep, usually for 3-4 hours. If you try to call me between 3:30 and 8:30, and I don't answer, there's a good chance that I am in a coma.

Naps have been an important part of my daily routine since I was in high school. My body likes them, and they make me very, very happy. When Matt and I have the "to-have-kids or not-to-have-kids" discussion, one of my many reasons not to have them is because I would no longer enjoy these naps. I know that it sounds selfish or dumb, but I don't care.

So unless someone can guarantee me a child with narcolepsy (who also comes out potty-trained, intelligent, well-adjusted, and cleaning the house), it's a no go.