Teen Mom: A Rant

Tonight, I was discussing a recent television addiction, Teen Mom, with a friend who is an an avid watcher but would rather the whole world wide web not know of her affinity for trashy MTV reality television. (But I'll give you a hint: her name rhymes with sassy.  It's not really her fault, though.  I made her watch 16 and Pregnant, which is basically like giving a person heroin and wondering why they become a junkie.)

In case you don't watch Teen Mom (because, presumably, you have better things to do with your time or are too old and too mature to indulge in such smut), allow me to provide you a quick overview.  There are four teen moms (fancy that!) and we follow them as they try their hands at motherhood.  Actually, one of the teen moms gave her baby up for adoption (lucky little bastard dodged a real bullet on that one), so only three of the teen moms are actually raising kids. 

(Farrah and her mom)

First, there's Farrah.  She's the best looking of the teen moms featured, but as we all know, pretty doesn't equal smart.  Farrah let her baby fall off the bed, and on a recent episode she tried her hand at speed dating, where she learned a hard lesson: that she is no longer too good for anyone, including the weird guy who had some kind of kickboxing mantra tattooed on his arm in Thai.  Ouch!  Farrah also has some deep-rooted mommy issues, and could, in my opinion, stand to learn another tough lesson--that sometimes moms can be whorebags, and maybe they don't deserve a place in your life. 

(Maci)

Then there's Maci.  Maci isn't the cutest, but she seems to be the smartest (which isn't saying a whole lot, considering the competition).  She named her kid Bentley, a name that seems like it should be tattooed across a teenage boy's stomach.  Currently, she's dating a guy who looks like Landry from Friday Night Lights, only on steroids.  She is trying to get an education, though, so I guess I need to give her props for at least trying.

(Catelynn and her ridiculous boyfriend)

Next up, we have Catelynn.  I actually have fleeting moments where I pity Catelynn.  Her mom is even more of a maniacal see-you-next-Tuesday than Farrah's mom.  Catelynn's the one who put her baby up for adoption, and while I kind of admire that choice (I would have admired the choice to take birth control even more), I can only be sympathetic for so long.  I was especially annoyed with her when she had a second pregnancy scare.  And, am I wrong, or was she prom dress shopping at Fashion Bug?  I didn't even know Fashion Bug was still around.

(Amber)

And last--and least--there's Amber.  My god, I hate Amber.  Not only does she look like Elvira and Miss Piggy had a baby, but she's super super dumb to boot. (Like, was-crying-because-she-couldn't-pass-the- GED-practice-test dumb.)  And she's a bitch.  Seriously, this girl has zero redeeming qualities.  And her boyfriend!  Sometimes I wonder if Amber and her boyfriend are in some kind of contest with each other to be the most loathsome human being on the planet.  Watch out, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Sarah Palin--Amber and her baby daddy are a nippin' at your heels! 

(Amber and her boyfriend even got into a fight!  Was this before or after he cheated

on her with the girl he met in the diaper aisle at Wal-Mart?)

Anyway, I need to go donate our entire savings account to Planned Parenthood now.

Do you watch Teen Mom? 

Vending Machine Opus

One day when I was a little kid, I walked by a soda machine and pushed one of the buttons just to see if I could get a free drink. And wouldn't you know it, I did? I hadn't put in any money, but I got a free Coke. And so began my love affair with the vending machine.

[source]

This love affair continued through middle school, where I learned strategies to get more free snacks. These strategies mostly included shaking, kicking, and otherwise abusing the machine, only to get a bag of Skittles to fall out.

As I got older, I learned that there was karma involved in vending machines. On more than one occasion I was the victim of vending machine vandalism. I would pay for my snack, but the coils would turn on an empty space, and I would get no snack. Vending machine karma.

So I stopped abusing the machines. I was wiser and more mature, and I would be a decent citizen of the world. Part of being a decent citizen means not kicking vending machines.

When I went off to JMU, my whole universe began to open up. I had new friends and new opportunities, but, just as fascinating, I also had a new wide world of vending machines to enjoy. These machines included hot chocolate machines, machines that gave fountain soda with crushed ice, french fry machines, ice cream machines, and more. The snacks and beverages in these machines were far superior to anything I had experienced before. AND, I could use my meal plan to buy the stuff. No cash required, just my JMU ID. It was. . .amazing.

Ocean Spray ruby red grapefruit juice was one of my favorites; it was great for breakfast and it was good with cheap vodka.

[source]

In my old age, though, my vending machine interactions have become much less enchanting. In fact, about 30% of the time I seek sustenance from a vending machine these days, the experience ends in disappointment, frustration.

The only vending machines I really patronize are those at my school, and the snack machine is about ten years older than I am. It won't take dollar bills--not even the super crispy ones!--and half of the buttons don't work. And the soda machine has just as bad a performance record even though it is brand new.

And why don't these machines work? I imagine that it's because they live in a place full of obnoxious teenagers, and we all know that teenagers are notorious for vending machine abuse. Just wait until they experience vending machine karma. They'll rue the day!

A Rebuttal from Grandma Carol

Yesterday I said Grandma Carol had been mean. Today she emailed me and said I had been obnoxious. Touche`!

I received this email today.

". . .I have made a list of subjects that I will share with you from time to time that will be my personal version of a "blog" because I really don't understand exactly how that all works. My friends, most of whom are at least 70, have asked me to explain what a blog is? My explanation is: something like a diary or scrapbook of thoughts, only on the internet!

My first comments are on the view we share of obnoxious teenagers.

I remember a visit to Maryland for Thanskgiving a number of years ago. I believe the teenager mentioned in this note, who shall remain nameless at this point, was 16 and had her best friend Tanya visiting from Florida.

Her parents asked that she "give up" her room to Grandma and Grandpa and she was not happy about it. She and her friend were to sleep on the fold-out couch in the living room. Of course that meant they would want to sleep 'til noon and the rest of the family had to walk around them the entire morning to get to the kitchen! The rest of the time they found things to do that were away from the house. . .so they did not have to deal with the adults. Fortunately this obnoxious teenager has grown to be an intelligent, funny, talented young woman. Hooray for Mandy! And yes, Grandma loves and appreciates you a lot more as an adult!

More Later, Grandma Carol"

I believe that Grandma Carol's insights will be showing up here from time to time. And look forward to November posts, because she and Grandpa B are planning to visit Savannah for Thanksgiving!

Fortunately, we have a guest room, so I won't have to give up my bed anytime soon. . .