What Did I Do Before the Internet?

We're in full on project mode around these parts, and, frankly, I'm tired of painting and scraping and scrubbing and vacuuming.  So I'm finding an escape in my old friend, the world wide web.

Five things I love from the world wide web right now:

1. This tutorial on how to make awesome bokeh shapes.  Check out my handiwork!

2. This explanation for why, perhaps, I never bathe.  It's because I have so many friends!  (Except that it's not because I don't like people enough to have a lot of friends.)

3.  Pinterest.  It's really addictive.  Join it with me and we can pin things and waste time and be inspired.  Let's do it!

4.  This hanging lantern light.  I want it.  I think I need to make it.

5.  China's dyeing-pets-to-look-like-other-animals craze.  Oh, China.

Well, with that I'm off to eat my bowl of breakfast cereal and then to tackle my massive to-do list that includes: painting, scraping, sanding, scrubbing, vacuuming, laundering (clothes, not money), puddinging (that is a word I just invented, Mr. Webster), and, of course, taking breaks to explore the world wide web.

What are you loving on the internets these days?

50mm Lens

Last night I borrowed some lenses from our friend Ann who has an old school Pentax SLR.  One of the many reasons that I chose the new camera that I did was because I'd be able to fit old Pentax lenses to it, and I thought I could probably find them for relatively cheap.

So Ann let me borrow a few lenses, and, omigod.  I don't really know much about lenses and what all of that millimeter stuff means (note to self: learn that), but the first one I tried out was the 50mm.  

Um, amazing!  Like, this lens has some sort of  magical property where it just makes everything beautiful.  Ugly stuff--beautiful.  Beautiful stuff--even more beautiful.  Me--f'ing gorgeous!  

So for the last 20 minutes or so I've just been walking around the house taking pictures of things.  I kind of wish that I could see the world through a 50mm lens at all times. (Which is kind of like seeing the world through rose-colored classes, except with blurry backgrounds and less pink.)

Award for Outstanding Performance of the Century. 

Strawberry frozen yogurt that isn't very good.  At least it's pretty. 

 Not dead.  Yet.

Well, with that I'm off to take a nap.  It'll be a quick one.  Only 4-5 hours or so.

Sneak Peek!

Well, I've been a cranky bitch today.  I think it's actually 'roid rage from the steroids I've been taking to get rid of this POISON IVY ON MY FACE!  (Seriously, I'm Poison Ivy Face, part of the next generation of Batman villains.) 

Anyway, I did want to show you something that I thought was kind of funny, which is an outtake from our Christmas card photo session (why is it so stressful to take a Christmas card photo?).  I think you'll understand pretty quickly why this one didn't quite make the cut.

But it still makes me laugh.

Anyway, if you need me, I'll be off pumping iron or hitting homeruns or spreading baby oil over my entire body.  RAWR!

Mission: Eneloop

I am not the smartest person.  Not even close.

Sure, I can diagram a sentence like nobody else.  Yeah, there are times when I am insightful or witty or demonstrate good judgment.  Some days, even, I act like an intelligent and reasonable person. 

But yesterday was not one of those days.

Let's start at the beginning.  I have this camera.  It's complicated and somewhat fancy, but it's like seven years old and not as high-tech as others on the market.  My camera takes AA batteries, four of them at a time.  And the camera, partly because it's older and not as technologically advanced, drains batteries pretty quickly.

A few weeks ago I bought some new rechargeable batteries for the camera, the Sanyo Eneloop batteries, ones that had received rave reviews on the ol' Amazon. 

And the batteries are pretty great.  They arrived pre-charged, and they hold their charge much longer than the others that I had.  Good and good. 

Until bad.

Because on Sunday, when I went to grab the batteries from the charger, one of them fell down behind our kitchen counter.  See the charger to the left?  See how the little lip (is that what that's called?) is about 3/4" away from the wall?  Yep.  There went my battery.

And  that shit was driving me crazy!  I couldn't get my hand all the way down, and even when we got a flashlight, neither Matt nor I could see where the battery had gone.  I could have sworn that I heard it fall on the ground back behind the countertop of doom, but I couldn't see down that far.

I was pissed.  Sure, the battery itself only cost like $2, but it was part of a set, and I had just bought the set, and I had to order it online, and I wanted my battery back.  It ate away at me.

When I told Cassie about the lost battery, she suggested that I use the new vacuum's crevice attachment to retrieve the battery.  I thought this was an excellent idea.

So while Matt napped after work (he told me that he'd set his alarm for 6:00), I set out on my mission to find that stupid battery.

First I pulled out the stove, smashing my finger in the process.  I screamed and jumped around and flailed my hands about for three minutes. 

Then I pulled out the washer.  That was less exciting.  There was enough dog hair under the stove and washer to build six more Mitches, so I then set to the task of cleaning up the disgusting mess.  That took some time.

Finally, after managing to cover myself in nastiness and kitchen grease/dirt/dog hair film from beneath our appliances, I tried to find the battery.

The crevice tool was just a tiny bit too big to fit down in opening, so I had a brilliant idea.  I channeled my inner Hulk, and began to pull the counter away from the wall.  I pulled, and I pulled, and there were some cracking noises (which I interpreted as "progress"), and then I pulled some more.  I got the counter to be about two inches from the wall.  Super!

But still no battery.  (But not for lack of trying!)  I decided to give up.

I put the stove back, and the washer, and I started to wash my hands.  It was then that I heard it: dripping (like a waterfall) beneath the sink.  It appeared that in my infinite "break the house to find a $2 battery" wisdom, I had pulled some pipes apart.  Oh no.

This was at 5:15. 

After clearing out the cabinets beneath the sink and sopping up the horrendous mess with towels, I set to work on my next assignment, fixing the house before Matt woke up.

I fumbled and cussed and hurt my hand some more and fumbled and cussed some more.  I wanted to cry but I couldn't cry because I didn't have time.  I kept acting out the scene in my head, what I'd have to tell Matt, how our summer vacation funds would instead go to a plumber because of my stupid, stupid, stupid choices.

After more fumbling and more cussing and forty minutes, I had basically earned my plumber's license, and there was no more leak.  (Cue applause!)

Then I found the battery.  Under the sink.  Wish I'd looked there.

Hookin'

Since today was a furlough day, I was bound and determined not to do anything school-related*.  Instead, I slept until 11:30, did some productive household stuff, went to the post office to see my post office boyfriend Byron (and also to mail a couple of packages), lunched with Matt, napped in the sun at Forsyth, read Cook's Illustrated, met up with Collin, got some gelato, and relaxed in the new and improved Ellis Square. 

It was just one of those perfect days (if only the day hadn't cost me a couple of hundred dollars!).  The azaleas were out of control beautiful. There were tourists and kids and parents and old people.  There were old tourists.  Everyone was happy, smiling, enjoying the glory that is Savannah in the springtime. 

And there were prostitutes.  Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

Yeah, as I inhaled my gelato on a waffle cone, I looked over to see this:

Good thing I had my camera.

And she wasn't done.  (Unfortunately, I was laughing too hard to get the ones where she completely arched her back, in what may have been the sexiest, uh, I mean, trashiest, pose of all time.)

Bitch had some guy taking pervy pictures of her in the middle of the square on a Monday afternoon!  I can hear the carriage tour guides now: "To the left you'll see Ellis Square.  Just a few short years ago this was a parking lot. . .and that. . .well, that's a vagina."  Real classy, prostitute girl.

But a few of the tourists didn't seem to mind.

How was your Monday?  Do any modeling?

*Also, I'm crazy efficient when I'm at school, and turned my grades in on Friday afternoon when they weren't even due until Tuesday morning.

Christmas Card Photo Hell

I got a bug up my ass the other day that we needed to take a good Christmas card picture. I had a great idea to do one with us wearing Snuggies, complete with Mitch in a Snuggie for Dogs, on some bleachers cheering.

But that was too much work, and would require me buying two more Snuggies. Plus, Matt doesn't have a lot of patience for a Christmas card photo session.

So I searched online for ideas. It did not go well.

First, there were the little angels.

Now, we did share some laughs picturing ourselves dressed as angels, with a swaddled dog in a manger. But we don't have angel costumes or a manger, and we didn't think Mitch would be wild about being swaddled.

Then there was the "us surrounded by Christmas icons" picture. I thought this was pretty fun, but I don't have Photoshop, so it was a no go.

I REALLY liked this idea, but we don't have any human children.

And this one was just a little too punny. Plus, it'd be hard to fit either Mitch or Matt into one of my mixing bowls.

And so I sat us down in the house for a little photo session, but it was a bust. It ended with me getting frustrated, determined to buy a new camera, new face, and new body. I pouted on the couch for an hour afterward.

So today I turned to my #1 photo subject, Mitch. And while he was "less than enthusiastic" (that's how Cassie described their cat's reaction to the new puppy, and I thought it was hilarious) about it, he cooperated more than his father does.

Of course, I think this is the "stink eye" to which Juno referred.

And he was bored.

He gave me much more to work with.

Yeah, and I took Christ out of Christmas and replaced it with Mitch. Take that, Baptist school!

That looks gross!

Let's play a game.

What is this a picture of?

Picasacollage

I just discovered that I can make fun collages with Picasa. Well, if it isn't a bunch of pictures I stole from the world wide webs?

A shoe search only reveals creepy baby dolls.

This month's issue of Real Simple features this photo of these shoes, and I cannot stop thinking about them. I want these to be the shoes that provide the evil teacher click, click, click as I walk around my classroom next school year. I even had a dream that I found them and wore them to school.

I've been looking all over the interwebs and the inside of the magazine to see who makes the shoes and where I might be able to buy them. (Truth be told, they're probably far too expensive and uncomfortable to make my shoe dream come true, but I WANT them. My desire for these shoes is a perfect example of a need vs. a want, and I'm not sure I'd have a husband anymore if I spent a small fortune on shoes I'd never wear.)

Refusing to listen to common sense, I continue to search for the designer of these shoes. I googled the photographer's name, Burcu Avsar, but it was a bit of a dead end. Only a bit, though, because I came across a really interesting project of hers where she photographs old toys. Avsar's beautiful explanation of the project will do little to keep me from having bad dreams about this creepfest below, probably because of my history with baby dolls.

Wow, are baby dolls creepy!

Back in college, my roommates and I would throw huge Halloween parties. My roommate Paxton would begin decorating the house about a month in advance. The decorations were always fantastic, and Paxton was definitely a details kind of guy. He constructed a tree from branches that he'd dragged home, he carved intricate details in pumpkins, he found beer pong ping pong balls that looked like eyeballs. The decorations were just incredible, but our least expensive decorations ended up being the scariest.

Paxton and I went to a thrift store and spent about $3 on old gross baby dolls. We took them home, tore them apart, threw on some fake blood, duct tape, and thumbtacks. Then we hung the dolls and doll limbs and doll heads from the ceiling.

Of all of the frightening decorations--even the fog machine in the grate that would hiss every few minutes and look amazing--those creepy babies were the most memorable. I can't look at Avsar's gorgeous pictures of old toys without having vivid memories of the baby doll whose mouth was duct taped, who later became our Christmas tree topper. That same baby doll did come to life and murder one of our roommates, which may further explain why I find baby dolls a bit on the scary side.

Oh, and if you can find out where I can find those pretty pretty turquoise shoes you win in life.

Don't leave me!

Our friends Hugh and Cassie are abandoning us to follow his dream of becoming a doctor, and to escape the shitsack town of Savannah. We're all very happy to see them moving up, but sad to see them moving on (without us).

Yesterday we had their going away party, and we ate and ate and drank and ate and drank. It was perfect. We had fancy hot dogs and burgers. The hot dogs were amazing. Stay tuned for links to the recipes.

Click here to check out some more of the million pictures I took yesterday.

Right now, though, I have to go get ready for the first official Monday Funday. Matty and I are headed to the beach!