Operation: Skinny Unicorn*

So, as I've mentioned here recently, I am currently so fat that I will soon be wearing tarps as clothing. Also, I'm about three bowls of Homemade Samoa Ice Cream away from exceeding the weight limit for my desk chair. My car is scraping the bottom of the road when I drive, and I'm kind of afraid that it's going to catch fire or something, and then I'll get into a fiery crash.**

And, by the way, I'm not at all confused about why I'm fat. I know that it's because I eat way too much and don't move around enough. Whaaaaaaaaaa? You mean that eating an entire loaf of French bread as a quick snack and then lying on the couch watching Teen Mom II isn't going to make me thin and beautiful? Well, shoot.

So, anyway, it's time to make a change, and I'm motivated to make this change (finally!). On Sunday, when Matt and I were heading to the beach, I was talking to him about how I wanted to join Weight Watchers. And then when I got home I talked to Shecky and she said that she wanted to join with me.

And, in our classic form, because we are ridiculously competitive maniacs, Shecky and I decided that we should make it a contest. So we are competing to see who can lose the most weight (in a healthy, non-crash diet kind of way). The sad thing about this contest is that Shecky and I, what with our tendency to cheat in contests such as these***, have had to lay down a few extra ground rules.

For example, if Shecky (who is prone to illness) gets so sick that she has to go to the hospital and she loses weight because of the sickness, that doesn't count.

Also, I am not allowed to mail her baked goods, or hundreds of Cadbury Cream Eggs.****

Our contest will end on August 1, and the person who has lost the most weight wins. The loser, then, must purchase for the winner a nice pair of shoes that the winner desires.

NOW, if both of us lose 40+ pounds (which would be hard, but is certainly do-able), then we get a much bigger prize which has yet to be determined. Any suggestions?

Don't worry, though. This blog isn't going to transform into some daily record of meals and tenths of pounds lost. And I'm not going to stop making delicious desserts, either. I'll just have to eat smaller bowls of ice cream and fewer cupcakes. You might see some more sorbets and yogurts, but I can assure you that none of them will be made with Splenda or Diet Coke.

So there you have it. My quest to be less fat. Wish me luck! (I really want these.)


*Unicorn because Shecky and I were/are both big fans of the Sweet Valley Twins and High books, and in college we considered ourselves honorary members of the Unicorns because we were basically bullies who loved to wear purple.

**Safety first, people.

***See, also: The Great American Girls v. Boys Keg Race of 2002.

****Foiled!

Sweet Valley High--THE GAME!

Will you play with me? I have to find my boyfriend in time for the big date!

Check out those handsome boyfriends.

Bruce Patman, you're like Brandon Walsh and Dylan McKay had a baby. I sure hope I don't get sent to detention!

Has anyone seen my biking outfit? Oh, there it is!

Each player assumes the role of one of the Sweet Valley characters. I've always fancied myself a hybrid of Jessica and Elizabeth. You know, smart but fun. And, of course, a perfect size six. (By the way, the more modern Sweet Valley books describe the Wakefield girls as being a "perfect size four." That's effed up.)

Can't resist sharing these situation cards with you.

How did we ever grow up to be well-adjusted adults after playing this shit?

Jessica's a whore.

What kind of fight was this? A fist fight? Arm wrestling? Jousting? Knowing Lila, it started out with some passive aggression and ended with a screaming match. Go Enid!

Winston? Who the hell is Winston? And I'm pretty sure that if your last name is Egbert then you are automatically the nerd.

Yep. And also a pedophile, since Winston appears to be at least 45 years old.

Classic Sweet Valley situation. THIS is the reason I wanted to be a twin. What antics!

Was the rumor that Enid had an STD? How did it backfire? Is this situation related to the earlier fight over boyfriends? Does Enid have a STD? Does Lila?

At least Lila doesn't have to put back a boyfriend. She needs to get him in time for the big date!

Come to my house. We'll play some Sweet Valley board game, and then move on to Friends Scene It! I'll make cookies.

Sweet Valley High--THE MOVIE!

Did you read the Sweet Valley books as a kid (or as a teenager, or yesterday)? I devoured them, captivated by the fantasy of being a twin, of being blonde and beautiful, of living a glamorous life in California. I remember being in third grade, discussing plans for the future with one of my friends: "Well, I'm going to have twin girls, and I'll name them Jessica and Elizabeth." There was nothing cooler (until, of course, 90210 came along) than the Wakefield twins.

I had two favorite Sweet Valley Twins books, the one where the girls skip school to see a TV star (Playing Hooky), and the one where all of the girls attend a sham charm school run by con artists (The Charm School Mystery). I read each of them over and over again.

I even own the Sweet Valley High board game (I also own the Family Ties board game, and Friends Scene It!), the same one I played at a slumber party when I was eight.

The details of the game deserve their own post. It's a blast from the past. But here's a sneak peek. Yes, it says, "Can you find your boyfriend in time for the big date?"
As the twins got older and attended high school, the content got more racy. It was awesome.

Imagine my excitement, then, when last night I read in Entertainment Weekly that Diablo Cody (who wrote the screenplay for Juno) is working on a Sweet Valley High movie.

I'll be there on opening night, wearing purple. I am, after all, an honorary Unicorn.