In Case You Missed It. . .

Seth Meyers (the next big thing; also, handsome) was the guest on Letterman last night.  Brace yourself for a whole lot of handsome hilarity!

You Need Help, Here I am.

Happy birthday to the Civil War!

Also, I don't really care.*

The only thing that this makes me want to do is say, "You need help, here I am" in that Renee Zellweger voice from Cold Mountain.  I've never even seen Cold Mountain, but I laugh because I remember Letterman having that sound byte on a button that he'd push.  Then he'd laugh that awesome Letterman laugh and it would make my heart happy.  Unfortunately, I couldn't find a clip of Letterman playing the byte, but here's the Cold Mountain trailer.  She says it around 1:30.



 *I'm going to go ahead and say I've suffered from Civil War overload, what with having lived in Maryland, the Shenandoah Valley, and now Savannah.  Civil War, schmival war.  Yeah, yeah, guns and hats and gray and blue and blah blah valley mountain blah.  This ambivalence probably makes me a bad American.  But not as bad of an American as the Confederates were!  Ha!

Kiss My Ass, Sarah Palin.

Hey, Sarah Palin, you piece of shit:  (1:08)




There are a lot of us teachers.  If only some of yours could have taught you how to use the English language. . .

Tell me again about how effective abstinence is.

Who Knew New Jersey Was So Nice?

When we were in New York City (which I like to say the way the old ladies did on those old Pace Picante salsa commercials), Matt and I stayed in a one-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side.  It was pretty cool because it was only about six blocks from Central Park, and Matt and I enjoyed being pretend New Yorkers for a couple of days.



And because we had a small (very small!) kitchen in the apartment, we thought it wise to bring a bag of pantry staples.  Matt and I don't normally eat out all that much in our regular life (too expensive and too bad for us), and by Wednesday of last week, day four of vacation, I felt like a big swollen sack of salt and grease because we'd eaten out for almost every meal.  Enter the pantry staples.  I really loved having the kitchen because it allowed us to eat one of our very favorite simple meals, pasta with butter and parmesan cheese, not just once, but twice that day.  So we saved between $80-100, and I found myself one step closer to having my wedding rings fit again.

We had to check out of the apartment on Thursday morning, drive across town (six miles and an hour and a half) to Brooklyn to drop our stuff off at Best Friend's "apartment" before heading to the Mets game.  We returned there after the game, and got to hang out with Best Friend and his good friend Kensie for a couple of hours before leaving the city life.

Let me tell you something about Best Friend.  He's completely in his element in Brooklyn.  He and his friend started their own farm, A Moveable Garden, where they grow organic produce and then sell it to the fancy restaurants around the city.  Best Friend moved to New York and became a farmer.  And he and Kensie, who have been friends for years and years and years, are essentially an old married couple now.  They live together in Kensie's studio space (Kensie is an artist, and is apparently quite good. I know nothing about art.), give each other tattoos when they get bored (Seriously.  Matt says they both look like they go the the funniest, most ironic prison.), and cook amazing meals on a hot plate.  They sleep on cots and don't have air conditioning.  And you know what?  I've never seen them happier. 

(left, Best Friend.  right, Kensie.  I stole this from Best Friend's Facebook.)

And then we left for our next destination, our friend Trina's house in the country in New Jersey.  We decided to leave New York at 5:30 p.m. via the Holland Tunnel, which took approximately 2 hours, after that is was only another hour to Trina's house. I don't know that we'd ever been so happy to see corn fields or to drive on quiet country roads as we were that day.  Trina's house was peaceful and nice, and Missy joined us the next evening.  It was great to just sit around and catch up with old friends. 

And there was Jonas, Trina's 6-month old Chocolate Lab.  Matt and I had been going through dog withdrawal, and we immediately fell in love with Jonas. 

Jonas also has a dog cousin named Toby.  Toby is perhaps the fattest dog I've ever seen in real life.

Both dogs had great personalities (though we were partial to Jonas), and it warmed my heart to be able to cuddle with a pup after a few days without my dogson Mitchell. 

Our time in Jersey was quiet and relaxed, but fun.  We ate cheeseburgers and hot dogs and talked and laughed and played Apples to Apples and basically just enjoyed being reunited with our old friends, Missy and Trina. 

Missy was supposed to introduce us to her new boyfriend Derek, but he was conveniently busy that night (read: she has invented this Derek).  The next day she disappeared for a while, and then showed up at Applebees with a very nice young man who claimed that his name was Derek.  Yeah, okay.  Nice try, Missy.

He Said My Name!

Last Wednesday I got to do something that I've been wanting to do since I was twelve.  When other girls were loving Josh Hartnett and Leonardo Di Caprio, I had my sights on Dave.  I adored his quirky sense of humor and his laugh and the way he's simultaneously self-depricating and confident. 

Attending the taping of The Late Show was an interesting experience.  For one, it was approximately ten million degress in New York the entire time we were there.  And when you combine the insane heat with my body's sweat production (I'm a sweater!), it gets a little ugly.  There was a good amount of standing in line, too, which didn't help the situation.  But I'm not complaining.  The tickets were free and I got to see Dave.  I have no pictures of the event, however, because the website said that there were no cell phones or cameras allowed in the studio, and Matt and I were really scared of having something so silly ruin our chances of seeing the show.  And then, while in line, one of the interns told everyone to turn off their cameras on phones.  Dammit!

What kills me about the fact that I didn't have my camera is that we walked around the corner to the Hello Deli, where we met Rupert G., and after the show we met Biff, one of the show's stagehands.  I told Rupert that I'd loved him since I was very young, and I bought a huge bottle of the water to keep from dying.  When we saw Biff, Matt told me to leave him alone because he was just getting off work, but then Biff made eye contact with me so I had to say hi.  Both men were extremely nice, probably just nodding and smiling until I left them alone.  Oh well.

When we finally got to go into the studio, I was giddy.  I was giddy mostly because I was about to see my teen idol, but also because we were going to be in air conditioning.  I've heard for years about how Dave likes to keep the Ed Sullivan Theater frigid, and I was fantasizing about off of my sweat freezing.  Well, that part was a little bit of a disappointment, because the theater was just a little bit colder than our house (thus the $250 electric bill we got yesterday).  But it was a hell of a lot cooler than the street had been, so I was happy.

The seating for the show is done somewhat randomly.  Originally I hadn't wanted to be in the balcony, but I made peace with it when the Late Show people/cheerleaders told us that the only way to the bathroom was through the balcony.  Because I'd consumed approximately four gallons of water during our travails around the city, trying to keep from becoming dehydrated and dying before I got to see Letterman, I very much needed to be sitting near a restroom.  So even though we were in the balcony, and all the way over to the left side where we had to peer over the sound booth, it ended up working out.

The warm-up comedian came out, and he was only kind of funny.  (Years ago, I went to see Conan with Tanya and that warm-up comedian was insanely funny, so perhaps I had set the bar a little too high for the Letterman warm-up guy.)  Then they introduced the CBS Orchestra, and then Paul came out, and then came my main man, Dave.  He introduced himself to the audience, and made a couple of jokes, picked on people, and then went back backstage to get ready for the show.  At that point, I was wide-eyed and sporting a very stupid grin.

The show was everything I'd hoped for.  Paul dropped an f-bomb, and Dave even said my name a few times. (Sure, he was talking about the Barry Manilow song, but still.)  Matt and I were both fascinated by watching Dave during the commercial breaks.  From what I saw, Dave is actually tight with Michael Keaton, and he actually gets angry with the producers when they don't do things like have video ready.  Interesting. 

Here's the show we attended, broken into parts.  As you can see, Dave is handsome, Michael Keaton is little, and we helped to make up one hell of an audience.









Happy Wednesday!

This and That

You're getting a whole lotta random right now, partly because I'm pretty sure that I severely damaged my wrist while scraping glue for the Lagoon, partly because today I've consumed about 400% of the sodium that a normal human should in a day, but mostly because I spent 10 hours in a car today (and I even drove for four of those hours, which is unprecedented!). 

So here's what I've got for you on this lovely, sweltering Monday morning.

1. We're currently in Manassas, visiting family (and maybe IKEA, even though there's not actually anything that I need there, so maybe that's a bad idea) before we take the next leg of our trip.  But if you're in Savannah, don't get all excited, thinking that you're going to rob us while we're away.  Our friend Cris is housesitting/dogsitting, which means that Mitch will be spending his week with his best friend Reilly. (Don't rob Cris, either.)

2. While Mitch is cuddling with Reilly on the couch, I'll be hanging out with this guy.  Have I already mentioned that (like, two million times)?

[source]
3. Also, we also have plans to go to Citi Field to watch a Mets game.  David Letterman will probably go with us.  Actually, I think he may be a Yankees fan.

[source]
4. Speaking of baseball, you may need to listen to this story by Michaela Murphy.  It was a recent story featured on The Moth Podcast, and it's pretty great.  Maybe I cried a little?

5. Matt's mom just gave him some really badass cast iron skillets for his upcoming birthday.  This means two things.  1.) Matt is going to be even more excited to cook dinner, which is good for me.  And 2.) I now have a great weapon should a murderer try to come into our house.
6. What the hell is going on with this heat?  Today while we were driving up here, the car's thermometer was saying that the temperature outside was between 110-118.  And that was while we were driving.  I mean, I know those skew a little high, but seriously.  My flip flops felt like they were melting into the pavement.
7. Right now I'm watching Cupcake Wars, and I think it's a bunch of crap that my Matt F. of Frostings didn't get on.  It's a sham!  Matty F., you'd be kickin' ass and takin' names!
8. I hope I don't see Olivia from The City during our trip.  If I did see her, I may have to go up to her and say, "Olivia, it's a bunch of crap that you're the new face of Elle.com!"  I'm sure that would mean a lot to her.  Ugh, I can't stand her!
9. Did I mention that we're going to see Letterman?
10. Did I mention that he's been on my list (see: Friends) for over a decade?

Our last trip was our relaxation trip.  This one is our adventure trip, and I'm so excited.  Who knows how often I'll be posting, what with all of the adventures and excitement, but I'll give it the ol' college try.

Happy Monday!

I Heart David Letterman.

Next Wednesday Matt and I will be seeing one of these two handsome gentlemen. 

[source]

I'll give you a hint.  It's not the one who's the president.

But that's okay, because we stalked the president this spring.  But I've been giddy today because WE GOT TICKETS TO SEE LETTERMAN!

[source]

Both Matt and I have been big Letterman fans since we were tweens (I hate that word), so this is kind of like a lifelong dream come true.  About a month ago I posted a video of Dave and Rupert G. harassing people around New York, because that night Matt and I had been talking about our favorite Letterman moments.  When I was younger, I was really into taping my favorite shows with our trusty VCR.  I had recorded the episode on which this particular Rupert stunt aired, and I watched it dozens of times.  The guest that night was Michael Keaton, and he was promoting his latest film, Speechless.  It was a really funny interview, and I could pretty much quote it to you, but that would be more fun for me than it would be for you.  Basically, it's just one of those funny little things that has been seared into my memory.

And who is scheduled to be the guest on Wednesday, when Matt and I will be hanging out with Dave?  Michael-effing-Keaton, that's who.  Michael-the-best-Batman-Keaton.  It's like my life has come full circle.

[source]

Also, there's a good chance that Dave'll lay eyes on me and be in love.  Matt should watch out. 

Here's another of our favorites. 


Set your DVRs for the Wednesday show. I'll be the one in the bright red hoodie (Dave keeps the theater frigid), flapping my arms up and down, completely overcome with excitement.

The Lady in the Pink Is Stealing Napkins!

I know it's kind of cruel to give you an 8-minute video of David Letterman on a Monday morning when you're likely at work.  Sorry about that.  It's just that Matt and I both watched Letterman religiously when we were teenagers, and this was a clip that we both remembered vividly.  Maybe you'll remember it, too?

Here's eight minutes of what was, to thirteen-year old Mandy and fourteen-year old Matt, one of the funniest jokes ever. 



So, do you remember it?

Boeuf Tartare Letterman!

Thank you, Andrew Sullivan, for making my night.

David Letterman and Julia Child and raw ground beef? Priceless.



If you've got six minutes to spare, watch this. Then, fantasize about what could have been: David & Julia. It would've swept the Oscars!

Also, Matt and I do our impressions of Julia Child every time we cook a meal. It's great fun.

Missed Opportunities

I knew I should have taken that job at The Late Show when I had the chance!

Speaking of David Letterman. . .

I just came across this on the Late Show website. You can contribute your own joke to a top ten list contest! This week's topic: Top Ten Complaints of Jon and Kate's kids.

And if you win, you get a free Late Show mousepad.

Done and done.